I’m starving when I wake up. I spotted a McDonald’s around the corner, and they have good breakfasts everywhere in the world. The Palermo Soho McDonald’s is the chicest fast-food joint I’ve ever seen. The trim dark-eyed girls behind the counter wear smart blue uniforms, and there’s a mini café on the inside that serves espresso and little pastries called medialunas. It’s bustling. I get an egg sandwich and coffee, and it tastes the same as in the U.S. but different too. The smell makes me nostalgic. You know what I mean, that McDonald’s smell. Penny and I are riding in the back of the station wagon, Dad is on dinner duty, which as often as not devolved into pizza or McDonald’s. My sister and I knew how easily he could be swayed. The admonitions of “don’t tell your mother”—who ate organic long before it was a thing—made it all the more delicious.

Even such a benign memory is not without its dark cloud. The question moves again to the front of my brain like a slide on one of those old-fashioned View-Masters clicking into place. Will I ever feel anything but sadness again? I feel tears coming up and quickly put my sunglasses on. I need to wake myself up, so I keep walking in the direction of the Plaza Serrano. When I reach the square, it’s bustling and shaded by towering rosewood trees, and I’m nearly flattened by a wave of memory. Even though it’s what I was looking for, once it hits me, I’m filled with a melancholy so intense my knees buckle. The place is familiar and distinctive, I’ve been here before. The cafés that line the plaza—their patios spilling out onto the cobblestones and blending into their neighbors—all look similar, and I’m imagining Blair and me sitting at any of them, at all of them. In an instant, my decision to come here feels like a mistake. I can never go back to who I was.

When I get back to the apartment, I check my e-mail again. One from my mom and one from Gena; two of the only people who have this e-mail address.

Katie, the e-mail from Gena reads, I don’t think it’s a terrible idea for you to get away for a while, but you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself too. A change of scene can be a very good idea. You’ve been through a lot, so go easy on yourself, and be kind to yourself. Be careful about drinking. We can Skype if you need to. Love, Gena