I decide to check my email before stalking myself online. Two new emails! Yay! Oh. Busty sluts stripping and a Viagra advertisement. Great. I was hoping I’d have an email from Corey, but I should have known better. Corey doesn’t believe in emailing. He thinks that if you have time to sit down and write an email, you might as well just call the person. I guess it makes some sense. But it would have been nice.

I type Google.com into the Internet address bar and then do a search for “In the House message boards.” The first link site that pops up is the official YTV site, where apparently there’s cast bios, applications, photos, links to fan sites, and message boards.

I click on the link to the message board, which prompts me to create a screen name and enter a valid email address. Great. Now I have to think up an alias. I chose Natalie19, since I’ve always wanted my name to be Natalie. I was going to be Natalie18, since that’s my age, but I figured 19 would throw people off the track. You know, like, this can definitely not be Ally pretending to be Natalie, because Ally is eighteen and Natalie is obviously nineteen. Whatever, it makes sense.

The message boards are divided into topics. Each of us has our own thread, labeled with our first name. Fun! I click on the one that says “Ally.” My thread is divided even further into subtopics, like “Appearance,” “Her Boyfriend,” “The Strip Club.”

I click on the one that says “Appearance.” It starts off well, but soon takes a drastic turn for the worse.

I think Ally looked so cute on her first day of school. She is my favorite member of In the House.

—princessvall020

I love princessval! I wish she went to my school.

Ally’s pathetic. She should stop whining so much and get to the gym. She looks like she could tone up her ass a little.

—turbol

What? Get to the gym? Tone up a little? I’m a size seven! A size seven is NOT fat. Is it? The camera adds ten pounds. At least. Maybe “Appearance” isn’t the best thread for me to start with.

I click on the thread marked “Her Boyfriend.”

Ally and Corey are so cute! I wish I had a boyfriend!

Ally and Corey are so cute! I wish I had a boyfriend!

—princessval1020

Seriously, who is this girl? I want to buy her a present.

Ally should get together with Drew. I think they would be so cool together. He’s a major hottie! I know she has a boyfriend, but she needs to be with a sweetie, and Drew is so sweet!

—JanaGirl99

Is she stupid? Drew is not sweet.

I go to school with Ally’s boyfriend Corey at the University of Miami. And just so everyone knows, Corey is NOT all that sweet. He’s kind of a jerk. He thinks he’s so cool just because he plays basketball. And besides, everyone knows he’s cheating on Ally with this girl named Jen who lives on his floor.