“You’re putting thoughts and conspiracy in my head,” she said. “I want you to be sisters again. I want us to be a family again.”

“That’s not for you to decide,” I said. “Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.”

“Please, don’t wind yourself up. You’re getting out of breath. Let’s communicate. Please.”

I was getting out of breath. I gulped in a breath of air. “You’re aware I can’t set foot in that house again, right? I’ll see her looming in the shadows, potentially another surprise invite.”

“I want you to find reconciliation, so you wouldn’t feel upset even if she did appear by surprise.”

“I can’t accept any invites from you,” I said. My face started to contort, and I forced it back into something more normal before I lost the ability to see my mother or focus on her altogether. “I can’t grab dessert from you or do anything with you again because she might be there, surprise. I can’t trust you. How can I trust you again?”

“I’m sorry you feel that way. I did not realize that was where things stood. You’ve been doing so well, and she’s been doing well.”

“How—” I started. I gulped in another breath of air. My voice was a whisper again when I managed to speak again. “How do you not realize when you saw me at the hospital? How do you even think rec— How do you think this is ever possible? How does—”

I closed my eyes. More tears.

“How does Dad? How could you see me then, how could you—how—how—”

My chest hurt.

“Crystal—” I said, I looked toward the house.

Crystal was still on the porch. Standing guard by the back door, red shield up. She watched me talking with my mom over one shoulder.

“I told Crystal the same thing I told your father. She was skeptical but she agreed it was for the best.”

I didn’t trust my mom’s version of events on that. Crystal at least had my back in this moment.

I tried to find words, and I didn’t have the oxygen.

“Catch your breath. We can talk this out.”

I worked at it, swallowing air.

“I’ll wait,” she said.

The sound of her voice made it harder, not easier.

When I spoke, my voice was very small. It gained more strength as I went.

“How can you have not been there, missed visits, or come to the visit and spend more time talking to doctors than to me because it was hard to be around me? How can you have come to see me then, and have had to avert your eyes mid-conversation with me, and found that hard, and not realize that I had to live it for two years, and had that be a million times harder for me?”