“Can you do anything about it? Take a minute, figure out a game plan? Refocus your priorities, figure out what the biggest priority is, target the problem and tackle just that one thing?”

“I can. Absolutely,” he said. He even sounded energized as he said it. “I’m an expert at that.”

I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.

“That’s the cycle. Being one hundred percent convinced I can do better this time, putting in the effort, falling back into old ruts and routines. Falling behind. Coming away from it with regrets both sharp and dull.”

“Like an alcoholic, but it’s not booze.”

“It’s people, I think.”

“Is it the enemy or the ally that’s the problem?” I asked.

“Enemies absolutely. This is the time I can get the Empire out of the south end of the towers. This is the time we make enough of an impact that the heroes rise in prominence and the villains suffer. Maybe then that kid who is on the fence about joining her neo-Nazi family might instead decide to reject hate and be a contributing member of society. I don’t know. Ally? Hm.”

“Hm,” I echoed him.

“Not ally. Family. Family absolutely a part of the problem. I have a complicated relationship with your mom. She has her own struggles. If I stay close to her I’m validating decisions and behaviors I don’t like or respect. Her treatment of Amy. Of you.”

I sighed.

“But, holy hell, Victoria. I love her. She brings out the best in me, and I think my being close to her helps her good side shine. When I’m not with her I don’t feel like a whole person. So I tell myself that this time, I’ll push her harder, draw a firmer line, call her out. But it takes resources I don’t always have.”

“Yeah.”

“Same with Amy. But I won’t get into that.”

“Yeah,” I said, quiet. In a way, I wanted him to get into that. I wanted explanations. Those explanations could wait. “Thanks.”

I hadn’t really heard my dad go into stuff like this before.

“The only time life makes sense, the only time it feels right, is when your mom and I are on a battlefield together. Lights in the darkness. I almost never have regrets or dread when it comes to that.”

“Almost?”

“I tell myself every day that we fought as hard as we could, because we had to. But Neil and Eric still died.”

“I’ve had the same thoughts. Dean too.”

“I’m getting distracted from what I wanted to say. Which is that I’m proud of you. You’re the only family member that I don’t harbor that kind of regret about.”