“The point is,” she said, insistent, annoyed, “I could, very easily, but I haven’t. You know how bad I was at my lowest point. You should have a sense of how I’ve been doing since. But I didn’t. I fantasize about it, because of course I do, when I’d rather have Victoria back in her inhuman shape than not have her in my life at all. I love her. More than Carol. More than Mark. More than Crystal. And I know she doesn’t have anyone else. But I don’t do anything. That’s what’s important.”

“What worries me,” Jessica ventured, picking her words carefully.

“You don’t need to worry.”

“Is the fact that you seem to be telling me that you have very little going for you in your day to day.”

“That’s not what I’m saying.”

“Please correct me if I’m wrong on any of these points: there’s no color in your love life, your days are rote and directionless, you have connections to family but you consider yourself alone. And you want this connection to Victoria very, very much.”

“That’s what I said.”

“It seems like a recipe for problems.”

“No, listen, it’s cherry picked from what I said, but it’s absolutely missing the heart of what I’m trying to say!”

Amy moved her hand to tap on the railing to punctuate, a Carol sort of thing, actually. She only realized as she did it. She saw the flinch.

Minute, but Jessica Yamada pulled her hand back as Amy brought her hand forward.

It would have been so easy to reach forward, to touch that hand, to make that contact. And Jessica Yamada would be on her side.

But I don’t, because I am not a bad person. I spent far too long coming to terms with that, healing, recovering, and making up for what Carol convinced me of on a fundamental level.

The anger left Amy, and there was only a deep sadness left.

“I’ll go,” Amy said her voice sounding almost artificial, as she fought to keep it free of emotion. “I am very sorry to have taken up so much of your time, Jessica.”

“Could I convince you—” Jessica started.

Amy shook her head. She would have said something, but she wasn’t sure she could do it with the feeling in her upper chest.

“Then I wish you the best,” Jessica said. “I’m at your disposal if you need me, any hour of the day. If you’re not comfortable talking to me, I can give you any number of contacts. They’re busy but I’ll ask them to make time. You don’t have to call, but keep them on your phone.”

Amy nodded. Fuck this.