“I kept going after that. I thought about pulling out his entrails. Felt too tidy. So I clawed out his eyes and lanced his eardrums.”

Colt couldn’t bring herself to answer. Nailbiter was staring off into space. Reminiscing. There was no joy in the expression, no sadness.

Worse, Colt decided.

“I did what I’d dreamed of, and it wasn’t enough. So I did similar things to people similar to Noah, then ‘similar’ started to mean less. Sister pulled away, said it was too much. One by one, the rest of the group fell away. I had the cause, I had someone to look up to.”

“Lustrum?”

“Yeah. When you go to the Birdcage, Colt, they sort you out. Put birds of a feather together. I was one of a few prisoners, and once I heard how they were putting certain people in certain blocks, I thought of her. Of course I go there. Of course. But I ended up being Ingenue’s to look after. Not just not Lustrum’s, but farthest from Lustrum’s cell block.”

“And you never got to see her?”

“I got to see her. You can go this way or that. You can even pack up your shit and move to another cell block, if the leader of that block allows it. Moment I heard that, I knew what I was doing.”

“Okay?”

“I went to ask if I could. Listened in. I realized she wasn’t who I thought she was. A hundred college campuses and a hundred more cities, and her face was printed on caps and smocks all over. Meant different things to different people. For most, being part of her following meant taking a stand. Not even being criminal or protesting.”

“It sounds like it was big.”

“Yeah, well, there was no anger in her, she didn’t even like violence much. Hated that what she’d put out there had been twisted around. My type most of all. I never did let her know. You get ideas in your head, you decide who you want someone to be, and it’s you who disappoints yourself more than them who disappoints you. Understand?”

“I think so.”

“Understand?”

It was a question with more meaning to it.

“No,” Colt admitted.

Nailbiter’s expression shifted, that mute snarl again.

“I don’t know who it is you think I’m looking up to that’s going to disappoint me,” Colt said.

“You’re not looking up. You’re looking down,” Nailbiter said, sounding as pissed off and exasperated as Colt had ever heard her.

Colt’s eyes darted this way and that. If this was a test, she didn’t want to fail.

“You think I’m looking down on you? On Love Lost? The group?”

Nailbiter was silent.

“I… have a real choice? You’d let me go?” Colt asked.

“Are you saying you want to go?” Nailbiter asked, and her voice was hard, the hisses and whistles sharper.