“For the record, I don’t think you should attend this meeting if your sister might be present. There’s too little to gain, and too much to lose.”

“I’m the reason she wants the meeting. Amy’s the reason that’s the case. If I don’t facilitate this and attend, then there is no meeting, there is no communication, and there’s only chaos. I don’t think the good guys come out ahead in that scenario.”

“All for the sake of getting a handle on this?”

“One hundred percent,” I answered him, with only a sick feeling in my gut.

“Then let’s change the subject for a moment. I may have been misreading things as I watched the episode, correct me if I’m wrong, but your team looked surprised when the subject was raised. My instincts were that it wasn’t because of how low the hosts stooped in trying to get to you.”

“It wasn’t. You’re right.”

“Have you told them since?”

I shook my head. “Only one of them.”

“I can’t armor you, Victoria, but I can point out a weak point you’ve been ignoring. Let’s talk this through.”

⊙

I felt conspicuous, as people milled around me. The hospital was waking up, and both the families who were staying at places nearby and the families who were really devoted were arriving for the start of visiting hours. Eight thirty in the morning.

I didn’t feel great, as it happened. I was less Victoria Dallon and more the arms, legs, body and head of Victoria Dallon, very aware of the clothes she wore and the movements of this body. With the rain outside, people came in with wet hair, umbrellas and coats. Slick wetness slid across bare hands and occasionally the face. Lurching bodies periodically bumped and brushed up against the body of Victoria Dallon.

I hated this and I didn’t fight it either.

It was a state of mind that had kept me alive and sane when the body hadn’t been mine. A way of framing thoughts and not letting the small discomforts and the awkwardness get to me. In rehearsing conversations and facing the details I’d have to spell out for others, I found myself back there. Not irrevocably so, I could have backed off or forced myself to the surface, but I wasn’t one hundred percent up to it.

Some people saw me and gave me second glances. One or two smiled. Ten glared or gave me dirty looks. The looks only distorted the alignments and fits of body, skin, mind, and heart. I could rationalize it—I’d been on television less than twenty-four hours ago, after all. I couldn’t sell that rationalization to the feeling in my gut.