‘If we could just get on,’ said the registrar.

But Lana was on a mission.

‘… Yes, me, you and your boyfriend – Aden, is it? We had a session on the tequila couple of weeks ago, d’you remember? I was doin’ my Celine Dion.’

And then she did a double-take that would have done Mr Bean proud. ‘Hang on …’ she said, as she clocked Adrian. ‘It’s you! You’re Aden!’

‘His name’s Adrian,’ said Patricia sternly. ‘Now leave us alone.’

‘Patricia – you’re not marrying him, are you?’

‘Ignore her, Pat,’ said Adrian. Then, turning to Alison the registrar, he hissed, ‘Get on with it.’

And just as Alison was about to resume the ceremony, a voice rang out, loud and commanding and very, very in tune, ‘If I could turn back time!’

Lana was singing.

‘If I could find a way …’

They all looked at her.

Then, having gained everyone’s attention, Lana Lloyd reconnected with her Coed Celyn roots and launched into a heartfelt plea that would be the envy of any politician.

‘Patricia, you cannot marry this man. Because he is gay. And he loves that man right there.’ She began searching for something on her mobile. ‘He told me so two weeks ago in Molinski’s gay bar in Cardiff. Look. Here’s the proof!’ And she showed them a short video, taken at one of Lana’s gigs, where Steven Dean was very passionately kissing Adrian Oliver. ‘Can’t really argue with that, can you, Adrian?’

‘Um,’ interrupted Alison Booth, ‘I should point out that Mr Oliver’s sexuality isn’t necessarily a bar to his marrying Mrs Harris, as long as Mrs Harris is aware and happy to proceed.’

They all looked at Patricia.

And down the corridor in the Zeta-Jones Hall, a drum roll on the tabla signalled the end of proceedings, whilst momentarily the world stood still.

61

Lana and Judith

Outside the register office, a small crowd had gathered, including Judith, Gareth, baby Ivy and Catrin, standing with Lana and Patricia. They watched in disbelief as the police cars drove away, carrying Adrian Oliver, Steven Dean and Tina Grey to Coed Celyn police station. It was at this stage just ‘for questioning’, but as Jack explained to them on FaceTime, ‘They’ll arrest them once they get there – any criminal allegation needs an arrest. I’m not saying they’ll charge them, but it’s looking like they will.’

‘They can’t charge them for being gay!’ laughed Lana, who despite the cold was baking from a hot flush.

‘Of course not, you idiot!’ laughed Jack. ‘Most likely Conspiracy to Defraud.’

‘I’ll sue the living daylights out of him!’ shouted Patricia. ‘The little scheming rat. Fleecing me for every penny I own, taking away my daughter’s inheritance. I knew he was a bad ’un from the moment I laid eyes on him.’

Judith and Catrin stared at her for a moment, speechless. Both thinking the same thing.

Only Lana had the guts to say it. ‘Christ, Pat, you’re a fickle fucker! You were all ready to marry the guy an hour ago.’