Oh god, oh god. We’ve had no interaction since I told him I ate bad yoghurt exactly one week ago. He never replied to that message and I don’t even know if that counts as ghosting, since I was the one who stood him up, and it wasn’t even the kind of message you can respond to. I sit up straight. I wish I could check my face, my breath, my armpits, maybe just run to a private bathroom and strip totally naked and examine every flaw, spray myself down, get dressed again and double-check nothing is tucked where it should be out or out where it should be tucked, but there’s no time. He has walked over, and he’s sitting down right in front of me on the couch opposite.

The eyebrows really aren’t as notable as I thought they’d be. He’s cute, but a bit less cute than the waiter was, maybe. He has heavy stubble, almost a beard, which he didn’t have in the photo that Harper and Penny showed me, so I was never going to recognise him. They really set me up to fail. He’s also shorter and more muscular than I’d expected.

‘Hi!’ I say, way too brightly.

‘Hi,’ he smiles, with an equal amount of false cheer.

‘Great to finally meet you,’ I say. I did not have diarrhoea. How do I quietly slip that into the conversation?

‘You too,’ he says, nodding. Oh god. This is awkward, it’s terribly awkward. We have nothing to say and everyone is watching and I can’t bring up the failed-date elephant in the room. My stomach is cramping like I actually have eaten bad yoghurt.

Penny introduces him to everyone else, and she starts telling a story about her family, and Henry looks relieved, because he can chime in. They laugh together about an argument between his mother and Penny’s mother, and everything is going well, except Henry and I haven’t exchanged a word since he arrived. Maybe I need to move closer to him. Would sitting beside him be easier? No, opposite each other is best.

There is a break in the conversation, and Henry politely leans towards me.

‘How’s uni going?’ he says.

‘Good! How about for you?’ I say.

‘Yeah, good.’ He nods.