Penny passed along my phone number and he and I texted back and forth a little. This is the part I am actually good at, I realise. I can be funny and flirty in words. Impressing someone new via text is a bit like an assignment (in 500 words or less, show how you are perfectly likeable and dateable, using short sentences and answering prompts), and I can rise to the challenge with ease. My body doesn’t matter, what I’m wearing doesn’t matter, the pimple on my forehead doesn’t matter, I can just lie in bed with unwashed hair and no bra and a baggy old top and think up smart and funny things to say. I am so enamoured with how well I’m doing, I forget to pay much attention to his responses. He seems nice. Not funny haha, but amusing. Droll, which is a word I’ve always wanted to use about someone. I expected more from someone who wants to be a comedian but I am also deeply relieved he didn’t make any actual jokes.

We decided to meet for coffee on Saturday, which feels very fast to me. I would prefer a months-long virtual courtship with plenty of time for me to imagine various possible futures for us before I am inevitably disappointed, but Harper and Penny need data for their assignment, so our relationship is on a timeline.

I chatted with Lauren, Mum and Nanna the night before, and I told them I was going on a date.

‘Who with?’ Lauren shrieked with delight. There was far too much surprise in her voice.

‘A blind date? Oh, be careful honey,’ Mum said. ‘Tell us the address of where you’ll be and turn on your phone locator so I can track you.’

The difference in the way Mum treats me when I am going to a cafe in the middle of the day for an hour, compared with how she treats Lauren, who will casually announce she is going to a rave party on a remote farm that belongs to a friend of a friend of a friend and she’s not sure what day she might be home or how she’s getting there, needs to be studied by parenting experts for research papers. Why is she so much stricter and more protective of the responsible child? Is it that, after all we’ve been through, she’s just given up on Lauren and channels all her stress and worry and neurosis into me, the child who can be controlled?

‘If you’d given me more notice, I would have express-posted you my good boots, they’re only a size too small for you, you could have squeezed into them. Now we’re stuck with only your shoes to choose from,’ Lauren said.

‘Remember, whatever happens, you are a beautiful, strong, independent, smart young woman who doesn’t need a man to validate you,’ Mum said.