Her voice is slightly slurry. I am an expert in knowing when and how drunk someone is, and I would say Ruby is currently happily buzzed but heading towards the unsteady and messy phase.

‘Hey!’ I say. I give her a quick hug, even though we’ve never hugged before, but the cow onesie has thrown me. Her soft udders squish against me in a disconcerting way.

‘I like your place.’ She waves a hand around vaguely.

‘Thanks. Thanks for coming,’ I say. I pause and wait for her to explain the onesie, but she’s been distracted by the food and is busy picking at the grapes.

I can see Amber and Jesse taking in the costume, Amber with raised eyebrows and wide eyes, and Jesse looking like he wants to laugh.

I frown at him. Grow up.

If my friend wants to dress like a cow at my party, well she can. I’m interested to know why, of course, but really, it might be none of our business. It might be a very personal emotional situation.

‘Hey guys, over here!’ Ruby yells, as Sophie and Justin walk in. They are also wearing animal onesies. Did I tell them it was a costume party? No, I didn’t. Did I? No. Definitely not. Of course not. Is this a…sexual kinky thing, maybe? Or a Melbourne thing? A creative thing? Or is it a joke? An ironic joke or a prop comedy joke? Am I the butt of the joke or am I in on it? My hands are clammy. I’m definitely not in on it.

Sophie is in an orange kangaroo onesie, and it has a little pouch with a joey poking out. Justin is in a lime-green dinosaur onesie, with felt spikes all down his back and a long tail. He is pink-cheeked and sweaty and looks like he might be overheating. His suit zipper is pulled down a little and I can see a patch of bare chest. He’s wearing underwear though, surely. I don’t dare look down at his dinosaur crotch.

‘Hey, hey, hey, girl,’ Sophie says, shimmying up to me.

‘Hi! I’m so glad you came. You all look so fun!’ I say, my hands clasped tightly together. I sound like an uptight fiftysomething-year-old interacting with the local neighbourhood teenagers for the first time. Or Amber’s book-club-hosting mother.

‘Oh yeah. We had pizza and pre-drinks at Ruby’s before we came, and she has a bunch of these onesies because her school had an animal-themed muck-up day, and we put them on as a joke, and then we thought, why not keep wearing them, you know, I mean, when you think about it, why do we, as a society, even wear clothes, they are just a social construct,’ Sophie says.

‘Sure, sure, that makes sense,’ I say.