‘It’s fine Brooke. We can be a fake couple again, if it doesn’t mean anything to you then it doesn’t mean anything to me,’ he says, jamming his hands into his pockets.

‘It doesn’t mean anything to me,’ I say with more aggression than I really planned.

‘Great. Fake couple it is then,’ he says. We walk over to the table, where Tristan is beaming at us, and Henry is explaining that he and Tristan decided last weekend to start their own trivia team after they realised they have perfectly complementary interests: Tristan can do science, geography and celebrity, and Henry can do history, music and sport.

‘Shots! I bought shots!’ Lauren yells, and several of the trivia teams around us turn and frown at her like she’s a hooligan interrupting everyone’s pleasant evening, which I guess she is.

She carries the tray over to the table, and everyone but me downs a shot. I watch Jesse knock it back with ease, and Lauren smile and elbow him and say something, and, oh god, he’s definitely going to sleep with her. He looks so happy, laughing with her. Harper and Penny do too. Henry, who initially seemed excited to see me even though I have avoided a do-over first date, seems enchanted by her. Fine Lauren, take everything then! The thing is, she doesn’t even want it. My friends, my housemates, my sad little life, this is just another night out for her—she can’t help being a force of nature. The more fun she is, the sterner and more sober I feel.

I’ve missed my calling. I needed to be born in a time when people used to have chaperones on dates. I am the perfect chaperone, I just need a few crisp shirts to button up tight and put my hair in a bun, and voila, I could grimly oversee any kind of shenanigans.

Get a grip.

I take charge of the pen and paper, since everyone else is getting steadily drunker, and if we’re going to play, I want to at least try. Lauren shouts the wrong answer every time, and Henry and Jesse laugh. God, they are both so transparent. I’m not even sure which one I dislike more right now. Tristan takes it seriously, as I knew he would, but I can feel Kendra monitoring how many times Tristan and I interact, so I am trying to avoid talking to him. I am also busy monitoring how much Lauren is drinking, because I know the exact number of shots it takes before she attempts to do a handstand (she cannot do a handstand), and I’ll need to step in in case she hurts herself. I write down answers on the sheet as best as I can, but at some point, the pen is grabbed from my hand, so Lauren can draw ‘an anatomically correct shark penis’.