You couldn’t just slap a Laura Ingalls-Ashley dress on her, put her body in a box, cover it with dirt, have the choir sing a sappy Nickelback song that half our class had lost their virginity to, and tell me she was gone. She wasn’t gone. Her fingerprints were still on Baby Maru. Her scent still lingered on the throw pillows in my room. The silky cascade of her voice still smoothed out wrinkled lyrics in my ears.

So to say she was dead wasn’t really the truth. And I desperately needed to know the truth.

I had walked to the dam alone at night many times, but this was the first time I didn’t know for certain if there would be anyone there to greet me. This time the night pricked at my skin. This time noises needled my heart, jolting me with every rustle and snap. I needed to do this, though. I needed to know.

When the cracking wall of the dam came into view, I realized there was no tobacco or hemp lacing the fresh air, no smoky voice turning ordinary songs sexy, no plop of rocks tossed absently into the water. No cartwheels. No Kori.

I could’ve turned back. I’d gotten what I’d come for—proof that she was in fact gone. Instead, I crawled onto the ledge and leaned back, tucking an arm behind my neck to cushion it. The stars winked at me and I stared at them, wondering where within them Kori was and how I could possibly get there when I was so tiny, so helpless.

I imagined what she would say if I could get up there.

“You didn’t even bring beers. Man, are you useless or what?”

And as if she were here with me, I breathed in the sweet scent of cherries and almonds. My lips stretched into a contented smile. I knew it was wrong to enjoy the illusion. I didn’t care. I wanted so badly for her to be with me. To have her telling me everything would be fine as she stroked her black nails through my hair.

A tingle zipped across my scalp. I didn’t imagine that. I jerked upright, scrubbing down my arms as I whipped around. Trees, road, water, darkness.

The wind hadn’t kicked up. Lightning hadn’t licked the sky or struck me down. Sudden waves weren’t crashing against the dam. It was the same exact level of noise, the same chirps of night insects, the same rustling breeze as when I’d first arrived.

I swallowed down a lump of tears.

What will I do without you? How often did people say those words? So casually. So confident that they will never really have to figure out how.