‘Of course. You’re not going to expose your feelings, to be trampled on. And this man… Mr Trace. I actually liked him. He paid me attention, and even at that age – especially at that age – in that kind of school… attention is what you want. Need. So I did it, five times, and on the fifth occasion I… yes, I did what he asked, and… sucked him off, as they say. And it didn’t take long, thank God – and that was the end of it. He didn’t ever ask me back, because he could see I was scared, I think. He… came in my mouth, and I couldn’t believe it. I was just there, on my knees with this hand on my head… both hands, I think he had. And yes, he did. He came in my mouth, all over me – and I… choked. And started crying, and…’

He was quiet for a moment, remembering.

‘Oh, dear,’ he said quietly. ‘How do you make a joke about that? I must have wiped my face. And… I stood up, I suppose, and went about my business.’

‘You didn’t tell anyone?’

‘I forgot about it.’

He laughed and shook his head.

‘I went out, and I went back to the form room… and the other boys came in when the bell went. “Did he give you lunch? Did it fit?” But… everyone got teased, and it was soon forgotten. We were in different sets the next year, and I didn’t have him as a teacher – we never spoke again, I don’t think. And all his life – the rest of his life – he might have been terrified I’d say something, or another boy would. He liked other boys much more than me, so I think I was just a little snack. There were some he couldn’t keep his hands off, and he always had his hands on them – doing your tie up, and fussing at you. And you bury these feelings so deep, you see. You get them under control, and you hide them away. You get on with your life, or most people do – but for some reason, Maria… I don’t know why but they just keep coming back, and won’t let me go. And you did ask – thank you so much for asking. Because somehow I got rewired, or took a wrong path… I don’t know what the right way of putting it is. And lately it’s been like the most terrible, terrible weight, that I just have not been able to keep on carrying. I’m not normal, and I’m so sorry to talk about it, because it’s so… disgusting. But that’s who I am – that’s me. That’s why I had nowhere to go, and why… I was going nowhere.’

He paused and sighed. A silence fell, and at last he said:

‘Shall we change the subject?’

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