He said to Maria, ‘He made me… suck him. And… that’s what I did. He didn’t make me. I just couldn’t find the words to say no, so that’s what happened.’

She was listening.

‘It was a kind of joke,’ he said.

‘A joke?’

‘Yes. A joke that… this might happen to you, a bit like the way people say, “Backs to the wall, lads.” If someone has a reputation, or they used to call it “wandering hands” – you’d know that you kept your distance. And, likewise… other boys would say it. “He’ll give you a mouthful.” “Was it hard?” “Did he give you something to drink?” I remember that one. “Did he give you a drink?”’

‘Meaning…?’

‘Yes. Meaning… did you fellate him? Did you bring him to climax? – but I didn’t really know what any of that meant, then – and they probably didn’t either. You always pretend – you pretend to know more, and I’m still doing it. It’s like a… compulsion not to ever admit you don’t know, or you’re out of your depth. Do you understand?’

‘Yes.’

He was silent for a moment.

‘How old was he?’ said Maria. ‘An old man?’

‘I don’t know. Forties, so… not really. Younger than me. And people laughed, because everyone found it funny that he did what he did, and if it wasn’t funny, then we had no way of talking about it. You just had to get through it, and – in the end – it was just so seedy.’

‘Seedy?’

‘Nasty. Depraved. Sad, and… I don’t know why I let it get to me. I don’t know why it matters. The man’s dead. I don’t hate him, and when I think of him now, I… Now I imagine what a wretched, empty life he led, and what he must have thought of himself – and I can’t lay it all on him, anyway. Because it was a school where everyone, or most of us – maybe not all of us… were so very cruel, you know?’

‘Michael—’

‘Vicious, really – more so than I think boys need to be. The place was charged with sex and porn and hormones, and nobody ever saying anything normal or tender. No love you could admit to – love was a weakness.’

He sighed, then smiled.

‘So you learn to protect yourself, don’t you?’

‘Of course,’ she said.