‘Something bad happened to me. I think several bad things happened, and for some reason… I have never had the strength or the… whatever it is you need, to get back from it, and… just lately. I don’t know. I find I can’t get away from it. You don’t want to know, and I don’t want to say any more. But I’ve come to realise I can’t get away from it. I’m stuck with it, and it won’t let me go, and…’

She was looking at him.

‘That’s what’s the matter with me,’ he said. ‘It’s nothing.’

27

‘What happened?’ she said.

‘Oh… nothing, honestly. Not a lot.’

‘Michael, I can’t hear you properly.’

‘Nothing. Nothing at all that matters.’

He stopped.

‘It doesn’t matter.’

‘I think it does. Were you hurt?’

He shook his head.

‘What happened to you, Michael? Tell me.’

He took a deep breath.

‘I was asked to do things,’ he said. ‘It was a while ago, obviously… and they were of a sexual nature. A man at my school.’

‘You mean a teacher?’

He nodded.

‘Yes.’

‘When was this?’

‘Oh, like I said – a long time ago. I was… just a boy. I was eleven.’

‘What did he do to you?’

‘Well…’

His throat was tight again, but she had asked – and he managed to laugh. She had paid him the compliment – the honour – of asking, and was waiting for his reply. How strange that he couldn’t speak, and that despite all the words he knew, the ones he needed simply weren’t there.

He tried again.

‘He didn’t do anything to me, actually,’ he said at last. ‘It just started to happen. I think the first thing he did, or the first time it happened… I think he just took my hand. He liked to touch, you see – he was very physical. He liked to punish boys, not… he wasn’t a sadist. He didn’t really beat you, but he played games, and one time… This was after he’d got into the habit of one-to-one meetings, or sessions. “Little interviews”, you could call them. And… I suppose I ought to say I was not the only one. There were other boys, boys he liked more. Boys he found much more attractive than me, I suppose. But he – one day – took my hand and exposed himself. And…’

‘What? “Exposed”, meaning…?’

‘I don’t think you want to hear this.’

‘Tell me.’

‘I can’t.’

‘What happened, Michael? Say it.’

‘This has nothing to do with the walk, or why I got off the train.’

He laughed and wiped his eyes.