I HATE my family. Most in the world I HATE JOSH. I wish he was dead. I would be happy if he was dead. I have done sittings for TWO weeks for Josh and his stupid project. I have done 4 hours for him. Tonight he had a private view of his portrait. He stuck it on the wall and hung 2 tea towels like curtans on either side and Mum and Dad, Ness and Leah and Evie and Polly came to see it with red wine and ribena in wine glasses. When the curtans went back instead of ME he has spent the week drawing a hairy gorilla sitting in a chair in my school uniform. Everyone laughed. I HATE Mum the most because she laughed so much that tears were running down her face. She said the funniest thing is, Josh, you have caught something about Annie and they ALL started laughing all over again. Even Leah who is never laughing was laughing. I shut them all up when I said Josh and Evie were sticking their tongues in each others mouths and making mmm mmm mmm noises.

I look up at my leaf. It has stopped fluttering. Suddenly I miss Annie so much. I have an ache in my stomach. When she was born, when I first held her in my arms, it was like I already knew her. I can’t explain it. I didn’t feel that with Josh – he was brand new to me – but Annie, it was as if I’d known her for ever. We are like peas in a pod; everyone says so. My mother calls her Connie all the time.

I need to see my daughter; I feel the lack of her. She needs her mother. Who is looking after her? The Weasel? My mother? When can I go home? I love Annie, I love Josh with every fibre of my being. My eyes sting and my throat hurts.

I cannot read any more.

Chapter 4