BooksBarbecue
Back Too Close
Chapters (28)
  1. Cover
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. Prologue
  5. Chapter 1
  6. Chapter 2
  7. Chapter 3
  8. Chapter 4
  9. Chapter 5
  10. Chapter 6
  11. Chapter 7
  12. Chapter 8
  13. Chapter 9
  14. Chapter 10
  15. Chapter 11
  16. Chapter 12
  17. Chapter 13
  18. Chapter 14
  19. Chapter 15
  20. Chapter 16
  21. Chapter 17
  22. Chapter 18
  23. Chapter 19
  24. Chapter 20
  25. Epilogue
  26. Acknowledgements
  27. About the Author
  28. About the Publisher

I turn to her and I see it in her face: a sneer. And I hate her with a passion. She’s a pretender, another backstabber. (To think, I nearly trusted her!) Look at the mess you’re in now, she’s thinking. Just like everyone else, she is glad that we failed. It justifies the necessity of clinging on to conformity, to stay in your joyless job, relationship, whatever. Aim low, risk nothing, stay under the radar. Well, take heart, everyone: we certainly failed.

‘No need to be so fucking superior,’ I snap at her. ‘You’ve sold your soul. You live your double life, creeping upstairs to your bedroom with your iPad for furtive fiddles – which MILF will you choose today to get off to on YouPorn?’

Surely she must have known I’d been on her iPad history? But apparently she’s no Sherlock: she looks like I’ve smacked her in the face; her jaw is hanging open. I lean forward, occupying her space now. ‘You’re a fraud. We were trying not to be.’

She looks crushed. I feel bad. I am discovering that I have a horrible mean streak. She tucks her hair behind her ear. ‘I’m sorry if I seemed superior,’ she says calmly, despite her face flashing like a crossing signal. ‘That wasn’t my intention.’

The sky is dark now. It feels as if a great black mouth is about to swallow the entire planet. I jump as the rain hits the window like machine-gun fire. I can’t see my leaf any more. It feels like I’m falling. Everything is always spoilt in the end, nothing good can last. We are born alone, we die alone and no one can be trusted. I hang my head. I can hear it first, a kind of roar. I have to do something about it; I have to stop it. I sit up straight and clench my fist. I punch myself in the jaw as hard as I can. It feels good. I try to do it again but she reaches out and takes my wrists firmly in her hands. We struggle for a moment. I can hear her calling out and someone opening the door. She wraps me up in those strong arms of hers. I’m still struggling. She’s holding me tight; she’s got more resolve than I do. I am weak. I crumble.

‘You’re doing so well, Connie,’ she says to me. ‘You’re doing so well.’

Chapter 12