I think I know what it is. She wants what you want, Dr. R. What I want. She wants forgiveness. And I thought of you and the way you could forgive me my actions, but you couldn’t forgive your own. And the way I can forgive her but I can’t forgive myself. And the way she can forgive me but can’t forgive herself.

How do we forgive ourselves? Josh might say, Guilt? What’s the point of it – it’s just you telling me you’re a nice person. But I disagree. What are we without a conscience? We’re just animals, survivalists: eating, plundering and fucking. You were right to make me remember, to take me through it, to feel the pain of my actions, to feel the guilt. Because surely guilt means we are self-reflective and therefore able to change. Anyway, I’m not sure it’s about self-forgiveness at all; I think it’s more about self-acceptance. And I’m not there yet, that’s for sure.

But maybe that’s just me telling you I’m a nice person.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank Matthew Hamilton for his laid back but relentless encouragement, his meticulous editing and his Captain-esque capacity to keep calm and carry on – all in all, for just being such a great agent. I must also thank Lesley Thorne for her constant support, her professionalism and her naughtiness. I am so lucky to have two such honest and fun agents. Thank you to all the foreign publishers who showed such enthusiasm so early in the writing, giving me much confidence. And, of course, to Darcy Nicholson, for picking up the baton here – I am very grateful.

I want to thank Mel Hudson from the bottom of my heart for her generosity in sharing information, specifically about the use of benzodiazepines – and for generally being an inspiration.

I cannot underestimate the value of my wonderful book-club for their early reading and unerring frankness, kindness and love: Nita Instrall, Becky Harris, Justine Vaughan, Susannah Doyle and Lori Shaul. They are my props.

On a familial note, thanks must go to my fabulous boys: Sydney and Noah for their love and support, my sister and brother, Natalie and Daniel, for their constant encouragement with this work and all things. It is lovely to know that my back is watched!

About the Author

NATALIE DANIELS is the pseudonym of a well-known actor and screenwriter, she lives in London.

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