Hey, Dr. R. It was so good to get your letter. How I love snail mail; it feels so fantastically old-fashioned. I keep it by my bed and read it often. I’m sorry I’ve been so slow in responding (it seems that somehow spring has arrived) but until very recently, writing has felt like an impossibility and besides, I really didn’t have an awful lot to say.

It was the Squeak who ratted on you. What an unforgiveable sweat patch of a woman she is. And yet I have grown so accustomed to her that she is now just part of my life – like haemorrhoids (my body has begun to protest about all this lying down and rubbish food). I suspect that she is also the person leaking things to the press. I do hope she doesn’t mention you but I wouldn’t put anything past her. Oh, and the other ratter was Dr. Twat, I’ve no idea what his real name is – Johnson, perhaps, as you say. I don’t think he has ever said two words to me but he swoops about the place brandishing his sword of mediocrity.

By the way, I hope you don’t mind but I wrote to your idiot boss, Tom Warner, to complain about the way you were treated. I’ve written a glowing report, signed off ‘The Yummy Monster’ (Jesus, who comes up with this shit?).

I have two things to tell you; three, actually. Firstly, thank you for your kind words. I was very touched and surprised by them. I wanted to thank you for everything. Without you I wouldn’t be where I am now – on the mend. You have made me radically change my views about your profession. Although I’m not too impressed with your replacement; not only does she have arrest-worthy sartorial taste but she suffers from a particularly deadly variety of halitosis. I’d say absolutely anything at all to get her out of the room, which seems to be a technique that works a treat for us both.

I got the wonderful visitation news from the social worker! I am over the moon! It’s actually once a month initially and as long as I continue to take my medication and accept my condition – bipolar psycho fuckwit – it will increase to twice a month.