‘I covered the lasagne in tinfoil and left it on the side ready for the oven. I laid the table, which was not as easy as it sounds: I kept losing count of how many people would be there. I placed candles in the middle, waiting to be lit on our return. Then I had a bath, changed my clothes and made up my face for the concert. The prospect of actually leaving the house made me slightly anxious. I’d avoided social events, especially school occasions. So I crushed up a little diazepam to ease things along and grabbed my coat.

‘I felt OK. It was raining and getting dark; I wanted to be late, I didn’t want to have to chat to anyone, but I promised Josh I’d be there to meet him. Halfway there I realized I’d left my phone charging in the kitchen but I’d gone too far to turn back. The church looked beautiful, full of candles and flowers. It was warm and dry, filled to the brim, the chatter of a hundred voices, the buzz of excitement, keen parents who’d been there for hours to nab the best places at the front clutching cameras and phones ready to record their little fruity darlings. I said hi to various people, nodded at the grinning GP and the other drug-dealing mum. You know what? It was actually really great to be there, to be out in the world. And everyone was kind and funny and I felt part of it all again. I had a feeling that everything was going to be all right.

‘I looked around for Karl and spotted my dad in a pew near the back reading a book. I made my way through the throng towards him. “Hi, Dad,” I said, sitting down next to him beside Karl’s folded leather jacket. My father looked up, momentarily surprised to see me, and seemingly surprised to find himself in a church at all. “Hello, darling,” he said, and nodded towards Karl and my mother, who were both engaged in separate conversations by the pillar. Karl was talking to the vicar. “No Josh?” I asked, looking about the place. I could see the headmaster down at the front talking with Ness by the piano. She was laughing. I tried to catch her eye and wave. She was looking incredibly dashing, Dr. R, I remember that. She was wearing a flowery dress, quite low cut, hair down. She looked fantastic. I wasn’t the only one to notice her; a few fathers were hovering around the piano. I recognized that flirty air that I now knew she liked to create.