‘I should go . . .’ he said, but he didn’t move. ‘What a lovely evening.’ He was smiling. He was looking at me. I mean really looking at me, Dr. R, in that way only lovers are allowed. I remembered losing him all those years ago and a brief shadow of that pain passed through me. A group of twenty-somethings strolled past and I supposed we must have struck them as very old, but we didn’t care; we let their voices peter out. He moved closer in towards me and touched my face. I kissed him. How soft and full and familiar his lips were, how I remembered and had forgotten them. The way he held me, the smell of him, the taste of him, can you believe we forget these things? And what a kiss that was, to feel my whole being centred in my mouth. I’d sacrifice years for a kiss like that.

But then he pulled away. ‘I can’t,’ he said, but his arms were still around me.

My lips stung. ‘OK . . .’ I replied. ‘Why not?’

‘Well . . . I’m . . .’ He looked awkward; he shuffled his feet. ‘I’m with someone . . .’

‘Oh,’ I said. ‘Right . . . of course.’

‘Um . . . It’s fairly new . . .’

‘Right,’ I said. I looked over at St. Paul’s, at the bend of the river, the night sky, the lights, the water, the boats – they’d all lost a little of their majesty. I smiled at him. ‘Lucky girl,’ I said. I meant it.

‘I should have said. I just thought . . . Sorry. I wasn’t expecting this . . .’

‘Oh God, no,’ I said. ‘I wasn’t either . . .’ I wanted to leave now. ‘Look, thanks for walking me this far . . . I should go too.’

‘OK. Let’s be in touch,’ he said.

‘Yup,’ I replied, walking off backwards, thinking no, let’s not.

‘So good to see you!’ he said. He waved.

I stared out of the window on the train trying to make sense of it all. I’d got what I’d asked for, or had I asked for it? I felt alive all right: buzzing and excited but also sad and frightened. Thank God I had home and my lovely family to go back to. I checked my phone. A message from Ness: the kids were asleep at hers. Another earlier message: they were all going round to sleep at hers as our telly seemed to have lost its connection.