Dining with Lucy Donohue

This week I am supposed to be reviewing La Côte in Windsor, a restaurant The Times called ‘out of this world’, ‘the perfect place for a romantic meal’ and ‘love in edible form’. I was due to go with my boyfriend for a tasting menu that takes over three hours to consume. Reader, I dined alone. My boyfriend of over a year decided that his New Year’s resolution was to cancel his regular booking at the table of Lucy Donohue. I feel it only fair to La Côte to disclose this, as a seven-course tasting menu was not designed to be eaten alone, and it is a truth universally acknowledged that a broken heart doth dampen the taste buds.

So, rather than giving La Côte an unfairly miserable review, I thought this week I would review my ex – Q, in restaurant form, for any unwitting girl out there who might be considering making him her next meal.

Ambience: While the décor at Q is beautifully proportioned and the place appears brimming with character, don’t be fooled by this veneer of charm. This is a restaurant where you will never relax or feel at home because all diners are seated in the entrance hall rather than in the heart of the restaurant.

Food: The food at Q first appears beautifully seasoned with a delightful sharpness. In fact, it proves tough to get your teeth into and unevenly cooked, with patches of hot and cold throughout. (As an aside, all the dishes at Q are served with a little more spice than a well brought-up girl might be accustomed to.)

The dessert looked to possess the perfect sweet finesse to round off a meal, but in fact left a sour taste in my mouth. I fear Q was being overly ambitious in tackling this sophisticated dessert, and should perhaps stick to little tarts and light, airy sponges in future.

Service: The maître d’ might welcome you with open arms, but he knows full well he will be taking you off the guest list before long. They don’t value loyal customers at Q, they aim for a fast turnover – people too awed by the façade to notice that this restaurant has no heart at all.

‘Wow,’ said Minnie, once she’d finished reading. She instantly felt bad for Quinn, to be so publicly attacked like this. Then she wondered if there was any truth to the article, was he really such a heartless boyfriend? He and Lucy had looked like the perfect couple from the outside.

‘I’m surprised the paper ran with it,’ said Greg with a snort. ‘Pretty brutal.’

Minnie neatly folded the paper and pressed it down on the counter with both hands. She didn’t want to talk to Greg about Lucy or Quinn.