My wife Mary planted the runner-bean seedlings in the vegetable patch. A bean rises out of the soil all feisty and green and bursting with confidence. For a moment it sways by itself like a bairn learning to walk, but as soon as it touches something, it wraps itself round it with its hairy stalk, looking for support. It has such blind faith in strangers.

And do you know, Mrs Heiskanen, we’re not completely on our own? I read in the Reader’s Digest that a forester living in the United States was struck by lightning seven times. After the seventh time he shot himself in the head with a shotgun. And I for one can’t judge him for it.

Kind regards,
Hamish MacKay

Dear Mr MacKay,

I nearly came to grief, though I did not grab a shotgun. I fell asleep. After the second lottery win, I slept for three and a half weeks, nearly forgetting to wake up.

While asleep, I did not dream. I remember sinking into sleep; I fell into something deep and dark, and three and a half weeks later I surfaced again. My brother and his daughter claim that I ate and blinked, and in the first few days I even spoke a sentence or two – I have no memory of this myself.

When I woke up, I felt heavy, rather like after a rainy night. I do not know about you, Mr MacKay, but my sleep is always very deep on rainy nights. Someone was reading aloud: horse-racing results. At first I did not understand where the voice was coming from, but then I saw that a radio had been brought into the room. My brother had decided to play the news, weather forecasts and lottery results for me every day. Maybe to make fun of me, I am not sure.

I stood up and promptly fell against a chair. My head was spinning and my stomach was turning. I tottered down the stairs, barely able to support myself on the banister. My brother and his daughter heard my clattering, luckily, and came to meet me. Together they managed to lead me downstairs.

I sat at the table and tried to work out what my brother and the girl were saying. I riffled through the mail and newspapers piled on the table and it was only then that I realized I really had slept non-stop for twenty-five days and nights.

I had not washed for almost a month and the girl wrinkled her nose. But I was too weak to stand up in the shower, so my brother ordered me to sit on a plastic stool and the girl to be on standby at the door.

After the shower, I began to eat. It seemed I would never cease. During the first twenty-four hours, I ate everything. The girl giggled when my stomach rumbled and purred like a herd of cats.

That was five months ago.