‘He was having nightmares. And he thought he might feel better if he knew what Hannele had looked like when she was alive. There we sat on the sofa, the constable and me, looking at photos. I showed him the album with the pictures of our summer in Lapland and some photos taken at home here. Renovation stuff, things like that. The constable lived in a similar sort of place, so we had a long chat about loft insulation and the best way to divide the upstairs into three rooms. He had an interesting idea about it and he drew me a plan in a notebook. Then finally he said thank you, stood up and went. And he never came back, so perhaps the photos did help.’

Pekka stares up at the ceiling. He’s got an intense look of concentration on his face. As if a big plaster were being removed from a hairy spot.

During the night, I’m woken up by a distant shout. This time, it doesn’t come from upstairs, but from inside my head. The voice shouts, ‘Off with her head! Off with her head! I’ll behead each one of you!’

And then someone swings a flamingo whose beak has been taped shut. The bird’s skull knocks against a croquet ball.

‘How can you cut off a head when the body’s missing?’ asks the Cheshire Cat, whose head floats down on to the croquet field.

‘Of course you can. You have a neck! And if you have a neck, it can be cut!’ the Queen shouts. ‘Execute that cat and if my command is not obeyed immediately, I sentence everyone present to headlessness!’

A flamingo is pushed into my arms. I try to take hold of its body but its legs are sticking out all over the place, its feathers are flying about and its neck is all limp. I don’t want to hit the ball. The bird, silenced by the tape, stares at me upside down.

‘Are you going to hit it, or shall I?’ the Queen shouts. And without waiting for an answer, she hits.

Pekka is asleep.

I wish I could go somewhere, ring someone’s doorbell, ask to look at photos.

9

9

I go for a walk after the check-up. The health centre is next to a forest with a running track. At this time of day, I can waddle in peace: the track is empty of joggers, or dogs, or ponies from the riding stables.

I went to the antenatal group three times. We talked about our expectations of giving birth, compared baby equipment, discussed breastfeeding. All the women were nice, and we all had bumps of about the same size.