‘Shhhh,’ I whisper, bouncing him in my arms. ‘I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so sorry.’ Sinking into the nursing chair, I latch him on, his cries stopping abruptly as he begins to feed. I rock slightly in the chair, my throat thick with grief, tears running down my cheeks. Maybe Rav is right, maybe there is something wrong. I left the baby and the monitor, left myself with no way of knowing if he was OK. But, a voice reasons at the back of my mind, a voice that sounds suspiciously like my mother’s, you were doing what was right for the baby and Mina. Getting those horrible things out of the house, away from the children. I relax, nodding to myself. I was doing the right thing, getting rid of it all. Now I am inside, away from the disturbed soil, it’s almost as if a weight has been lifted and the air in the bedroom feels lighter somehow, like the air after a storm.

Chapter Twenty-Six

I bend forward, peering into the mirror as I try to perfect my eyeliner, Mina bouncing on the bed behind me. I feel out of practice, it’s been months since I bothered with make-up, not since my last day working at The Daisy Chain, and my hand wobbles ever so slightly as I run the black pencil over my eyelids. Rav must be concerned about me, as he made it home early and is lying back on the bed, the baby sleeping across his chest.

‘Stop, Mina,’ I say, watching in the mirror as she starts to bounce again. ‘Daddy and the baby are lying there too.’ Rav holds out a hand and she scrambles over to him, tucking under his arm and nestling against his shoulder. ‘We don’t have to go out, you know,’ I say, turning to face him. ‘You guys look very comfortable there. I could go and get fish and chips and we could all snuggle together.’

‘Looking like that?’ Rav says, waggling his eyebrows at me. ‘No chance, lady. I want to take you out and show you off. Make all the boys jealous.’ He tickles Mina as he says it, making her giggle and squirm.

It was worth a try. Holding in a sigh I turn back to the mirror, brushing the mascara wand over my eyelashes. I’ve managed to find a dress that fits me, a dress from before I was pregnant. It actually fits surprisingly well and when I examine myself in the mirror, I realize that perhaps I have lost more weight than I first thought. I still have the smallest remainder of a belly, but my arms look thin and there are shadows in the hollows of my collarbones. Slicking pale pink lipstick over my mouth, I hold my arms out and walk over to the bed. Rav reaches up as if to pull me down.