Which led to him dying. Ryan loved that.

There was Eriphyle, this girl who, for a fat

Gold chain, sold out her husband, Amphiaraus.

The Greeks demanded to know where he was:

CHORUS OF GREEKS

We suspect he hides somewhere in Thebes!

But where?

ALVITA

And wifey like:

ERIPHYLE

Here. Gold chain, please!

ALVITA

Then on to Livia and Lucilla.

Both of them were stone-cold husband killers.

Liv straight up poisoned hers cos she’d always

Truly hated and dreaded him from day

One. Meanwhile Lucilla’s dark devotion

Was so strong she gave her man a love potion

So that he wouldn’t chirps no other girls,

But it was toxic – so he left this world.

Point being:

HUSBAND RYAN

I’ve read around and I’ve found

You really can’t win if you’re a husband.

ALVITA

Then he told me how this Latumius

Was

HUSBAND RYAN

– bitching to a friend called Arrius

How three of his wives had hung themselves right

In his garden, on a tree, out of spite.

ALVITA

And Arrius is like:

ARRIUS

Well, listen, mate:

A cutting from that tree would be great,

And I’ll plant it in my yard happily!

ALVITA

But it wasn’t just old tales he told me.

He read all the latest tabloid nightmares

About husband murderers:

ASMA

Who kept their

Husbands’ corpses in a cupboard while they

Got hot and heavy with their brand-new bey

In the same room.

ALVITA

These stories were hardcore:

The PUB CHORUS ladies read these headlines from trashy supermarket tabloids and magazines.

ZAIRE

Some had put nails through their brains while they snored

And killed them that way.

PUBLICAN POLLY

Some had spiked their drinks.

ALVITA

He’d heard them all. I couldn’t bear to think

How many. Plus he knew more anti-wife

Online memes than there are seconds in this life.

We see these memes projected as huge screenshots on the back wall, texted from Ryan to Alvita. ZAIRE reads the captions out loud and takes us through this presentation.

ZAIRE

‘Happy wife, happy life. But nothing rhymes

With Happy Husband, ever wonder why?

Welcome to married life, dumbass.’ That’s one.

There’s the one with the guy who looks done,

Sitting on the street, tragic-looking fella –

‘Saw his face and offered him a dollar:

He said: I’m not homeless, I’m married!’

Like a wife is a terminal disease.

Or on a napping Kim K it’ll say:

Sleeping Beauty: cute by night, whore by day.

ALVITA

Can you imagine how much it hurt me

To listen to this pure misogyny?

And when I saw him about to restart

Reading that damn book:

We see this vital re-enactment:

ZAIRE

She tore it apart,

Tore three pages while he was reading them:

ALVITA

And I’m not the strongest, but there and then

I pulled back my fist and clocked him proper

Hard on his cheek. He fell. Came a cropper