He knew more about evil women’s lives

Than there are saints in the Good News Bible …!

Trust me: your average young man is liable

To believe the only true good woman

In this world is his mum or blessed nan!

The rest of us? Witches, out to get him.

ZAIRE

But who wrote all these books about women?

Mate, if women wrote the books he studied

The list of wives abused, misused, bloodied

Would be longer than the Good Book itself!

It’d be too bloody big to fit on the shelf!

ALVITA

What it is, is: Ryan’s under the star

Of Mercury. I’m Venus. So we are

Fundamentally incompatible.

Mercury’s maths, it’s science: rational.

Venus: she loves to party, spend – and dance.

We’re so different we never had a chance.

When one of our stars is high in the sky,

The other must fall. That’s the reason why

Young sons of Mercury, like my Ryan,

Get all woman-hating and then buy in

To the claim we’re the problematic ones!

Then, when they’re old, and their hard-ons are gone,

These same professors go and write their tomes

On how we should know our place and stay home!

But to get to the point: I’m telling you

How I got smacked for a book. It’s all true:

One night Ryan, this Scottish husband of mine,

Was into his book and reading out lines

About wicked women, starting with Eve,

No less, who wrecked the world, Ryan believed:

HUSBAND RYAN

Cos she’s to blame for original sin,

And that’s why Christ had to be brought in,

And then killed, so we could be forgiven.

ALVITA

Sure: all the fault of one stupid woman!

Then he’s on to how:

HUSBAND RYAN

Samson lost his hair:

While kipping. His girl sliced it with a pair

Of shears.

ALVITA

Which somehow made him lose his eyes?

But we’re not done: next it’s ancient Greek guys.

Tearing curtains off the windows to use as togas, the PUB CHORUS act out the following scenes:

He’s reading – out loud –

HUSBAND RYAN

about Deianira

Who set her man Hercules on fire.

Then it’s poor Socrates, whose wife poured piss

On his head. Xanthippe.

ALVITA

And the weird thing is

The dyam fool just sit there, like a dead man,

And wipe his forehead, and then all he can

Say is:

SOCRATES

After the thunder, comes the rain.

ALVITA

He’d two wives, that fool, and they both caused him pain.

But the story Ryan most liked to repeat

Was really nasty. So, the Queen of Crete –

Pasiphaë – for some reason shagged this bull?

And she gave birth to … well, like, not a full

Bull, it was a minotaur? Like, half man –

You know what? No. I can’t even stand

To say. Then there’s this Clytemnestra bitch

Who did the dirty on her man, a sitch