In the fireplace, arse over tit. Then rose

Up, raging like a pitbull, then he chose

To get up and strike me upside my head.

I hit the floor, and lie down like mi dead.

ZAIRE

And when he saw how very still she lay,

He was bricking it. Almost ran away,

But then she come to and raised up her head.

ALVITA

Rare, you for real tried to kill me!

ZAIRE

She said.

ALVITA

You’d kill me for the cash, the Subaru,

This flat? Well, ’fore I die, let me kiss you!

ZAIRE

And he came to her side and knelt right down,

Full of shame and with his heart in his mouth,

He said:

HUSBAND RYAN

I love you, darling Alvita,

I swear to God I will never beat yer.

Though it was sort of your fault that I did,

I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive.

ALVITA

So I punched him again, hard with my fist,

And said: ‘Listen, teef! Too late, you’ve missed

Your chance. I’m dying. And done talking to you.’

But as it goes, and after we’d talked it through

A long time, we did manage to agree …

That everything would be decided by me:

The flat stayed in my name, and the motor,

Boy can’t move without checking my rota.

And now that I run tings completely

You’ll hear him say:

HUSBAND RYAN

Oh, my amazing wife,

Do whatever you want with your own life;

What’s best for you is clearly best for me.

ALVITA

And after that day, we had no more beef.

Lawd, for a kinder wife you couldn’t arks

If you searched from India to Denmark.

And to be fair, he’s also kind to me.

I pray to God – well, through my Auntie P –

To bless him, seeing as now he submits

To me. Right: my tale. You still up for it?

There is encouraging applause from the PUB AUDIENCE, but as it dies down, we hear one loud, somewhat contemptuous laugh rise above the rest, until it is the only voice left. Everyone, including ALVITA, looks for the source, and finds it is smug PASTOR JEGEDE. ALVITA is unamused.

ALVITA

Excuse me: did I say something funny?

PASTOR JEGEDE

Oh, sister, I think that was easily

The longest introduction I have heard,

It seemed to be at least eight thousand words!

PASTOR JEGEDE keeps on laughing and ALVITA looks like she’s about to go for him, but she’s held back by BARTOSZ, a beefy-looking Polish man, who steps forward to confront the PASTOR.

ALVITA (ASIDE, TO THE AUDIENCE)

Bartosz. A bailiff. Does what needs doing.

BARTOSZ

I can’t believe, for me is amusing:

Why men of church always put nose in

Where don’t belong? How I can listen him?

Man of church is like fly. Always he’s in,

Everything. Like fly. See he falls in food,