He was all over her … simply obsessed …

ALVITA pauses in her narrative for a gratuitous kiss of pantomime length.

He submitted – and she was his the rest

Of the time. Did the sorts of things he liked

And brought nothing but pleasure to their life.

And that’s how they spent their lives together.

Hashtag blessed. Oh, Lawd Jesus Christ, forever

Send us meek, young husbands who are good in bed

And let us long outlive the men we wed!

And as for those wastemen who won’t be ruled

By their wives, I pray the Lord makes those fools’

Lives short. All those old, angry, stingy men.

May you be cussed down high road and back again!

The CROWD in the Colin Campbell give a great cheer – and hopefully the real audience, too.

The stereo comes back on, the pub reverts to a normal night, everybody talking, laughing, drinking. ALVITA is dancing with all her HUSBANDS, dead and alive … The scene seems about to fade out, but the AUTHOR makes her way through the crowd to give her retraction.

A Retraction

AUTHOR

So, yeah … No more couplets … That shit’s exhausting to write … No, I’m just taking my leave of you … Chaucer called this bit the Retraction … and I just want to say I hope you had a good time, but if you didn’t, listen: blame me … And all credit to Chaucer if you liked it – he’s the source of all the actual wisdom … But, look, on the other hand, if it annoyed or offended you in some way, that’s just a lack of finesse on my part, probably … so don’t blame Chaucer … I take full responsibility … and while I’m here, back in The Ends, I might as well offer a broader sort of apologia to Brent, as a whole? So: sorry for all the swearing and cultural appropriation in my first book …

As this retraction is made, we see different bits of the apology directed at different characters – all of whom are busy dancing or drinking or celebrating – and who either pay no notice or take the apologies directed at them in a variety of ways. The swearing apology is directed at Alvita’s religious relatives – though AUNTIE P is entirely unmoved by it – while ZAIRE basically accepts the sex apology. ASMA and BARTOSZ hear her out on the cultural appropriation, although with some scepticism, and so on …

And a bit more cultural appropriation and heresy in the second … and the dodgy sex in the third; um … the existential bleakness of the fourth … er … I could go on—

ALVITA

Hush up! Dance!

AUTHOR

Basically, forgive me, Brent! Have mercy on me!

The AUTHOR joins ALVITA in a how-low-can-you-go dance-off as the lights fade, and the scene ends …

Acknowledgements

Thank you to Yvonne Bailey-Smith, Ben Bailey-Smith, Luke Smith, Nick Laird and Indhu Rubasingham for the early reads and edits.