But that’s a good sign, cos in the Tarot

Blood’s a symbol for gold, far as I know –

But it was all lies! Trust me, I don’t waste

Time dreaming of men. That was cut and paste

Out of Mum’s playbook. She’s my true mentor

When it comes to husbands – and so much more.

But wait – Colin – I’ve gone and lost my thread –

What was I saying? Right – fourth husband: dead.

And when I saw him laid out at James Crook

The pub turns into a funeral parlour.

I got my weep on, and really did look

Gutted, like a proper sad widow should,

And wore a veil. But since I was all good

For husbands, with one lined up round the bend,

I didn’t really cry that much, in the end.

ZAIRE

The church service was St Mary’s, next day.

Full of local mourners from down our way,

And student Ryan was there in the crowd

ALVITA

And God help me, but I was like wow

He’s fit, you know! Nice body, tight round bum …

He was twenty. I could have been his mum.

Yeah, I was forty, to tell you the truth,

But he’s a honey, and I’ve a sweet tooth –

Plus I’m gap-toothed like Madonna; which suits

Us both; symbolizes passion; it’s cute,

It’s sexy, and Christ Almighty, I liked sex,

I was hot, young-ish, horny, full of next-

Level energy, and had – so husbands

Told me – the best punani in the land!

I’m one of these Venus-born girls for real,

But I’ve also got this Mars side? I feel

Like Venus gave me my lust and passion,

But Mars made me a woman of action.

Basically I’m Venus with Mars rising,

Which is why I don’t get this ‘slut-shaming’?

It’s sad: I’m just doing me, naturally:

I follow my stars, and they have made me

Unable to ever say a hard no

To a nice, fit bloke who’s good to go.

And plus, here’s the mark of Mars on my face

(I’ve got another in a private place)

Which means even though Auntie prays for me,

It does no good. I can’t choose carefully.

I’m all instinct. It’s whatever feels right.

He can be tall or short or black or white –

I’m not bothered, as long as he feels me.

Don’t have to be rich, or have a degree …

What can I say?

ZAIRE

Something like a month passed

And Al and Ryan got hitched. It was vast,

The pub turns into a wedding.

That wedding, they did it in proper style,

And then she signed over to him the pile

Of money, two flats, and the Subaru

That she’d got from leaving the previous two.

ALVITA

Truth be told, I lived to regret that choice.

Ryan, turns out, was a dick. Raised his voice