But I married the fifth one, as it goes,

For love not money – bless him – still a young

Bwoy he was; an Oxford student, just sprung

From college and looking for a flatshare.

He rented a room off my mate Zaire,

My ride-and-die bitch. I tell her everything,

And vice versa. There’s no secret I can’t bring

Zaire. If my husband pissed up a wall

Or something much worse, it’s Zaire I’d call,

Or any girlfriend I know, or my niece,

Kelly … He can’t make me sign a release

Form! I’ll speak! And that’s what I kept doing,

Telling his secrets, and he was screwing,

And well-shamed and sorry he ever told

Me any private thing, new or old …

But then one day mid-March, it was springtime –

Which is when I like to take some proper ‘me time’

At Zaire’s; get out of Brent; see some trees

(Cos sistas like the country, too, believe);

And we hung out with this Ryan, Zaire

And me,

ZAIRE

Running round Oxford, here and there;

’Spose we felt we could let our freak flags fly

Hang wid da yute; and, maybe check some guys …

ALVITA

But who knew what was in the stars for me?

Where, when and who would be my destiny?

I was just doing my thing: clubbing, nights

Out at student parties; or downing pints

In their weird country pubs, or out raving,

ZAIRE

And always in her tight red dress, leaving

Not a thing to the imagination.

No need to wash it – she always had it on …

ALVITA

But let me tell you how it went down:

ALVITA approaches RYAN and starts flirting with him, as she tells her story. Romantic music plays, birdsong: ‘Loving youuu … is easy cos you’re byoootifuuuul …’

Me and this kid, flirting; alone, far from town,

And one day I just say to him, look, man,

If my husband dies, we should make a plan

To marry, okay?

Sound of record being violently ripped off turntable. PUB CHORUS are a bit scandalized to realize Elridge was right about Alvita and Ryan the whole time. ALVITA tries to defend herself, like someone on the Jeremy Kyle Show.

Cos, people of Brent:

It’s about insurance. And in the event

Of … whatever, I never get married

Without a little something up my sleeve:

Like a good plan B. You don’t want to be

That dumb mouse who thinks it’s gonna get free

Through the only hole it found in your home –

The same one you just filled with toxic foam …

So I told him I loved him like crazy!

My mother taught me that – a smart lady –

I said I dreamt of him regularly,

But in these dreams it seemed like he’d killed me

This tragic, bloody fantasy is acted out, and then, just as quickly, is revoked.

Because the bed was totally bloody –

Blood on the sheets, all over my body –