ALVITA

Oh, Lawd Almighty! When I think back to

Them days when I was young, I can’t do

Nothing but smile. I love to remember

That sweet May time, now I’m in September …

I’m still glad I had my time in the sun!

Now I’m old. Boobs hang low. Lost my bum.

But you know what? It’s really whatever.

PUBLICAN POLLY

Youth and beauty, they don’t last forever.

ASMA

The sweet fruit’s gone, there’s no juice left behind.

ZAIRE

But I’ll still squeeze whatever’s left out of the rind!

ASMA

Or, at least, I’ll do the best that I can.

ALVITA

But wait up: back to this fourth husband.

To be honest, I got my screwface on

When he chirpsed other women. But I won

In the long run. I didn’t cheat but I

Got my flirt on, my come-to-bed eyes …

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

Couldn’t stand to see her with another man!

ALVITA

Jealousy fried you in your own damn pan!

Oh, I made you a proper hell on earth …

This man who bitched like he was in childbirth

If he even stubbed a toe. Not good with pain

That one.

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

And God knows she made me insane

With agony.

ALVITA

He died not long after

I got back from holiday in Jamaica.

He’s buried near here, just by Uncle P

Up Willesden Lane, in that old cemetery.

The headstone’s plain as a plate, not my taste –

But paying more for that one’d be a waste,

You get me? Anyway, he’s now deceased.

So farewell and God bless him. Rest in peace.

My fifth husband. Okay, here we go. Well,

I actually don’t hope he rots in hell.

And yet, to be honest, he was the worst.

He’d get physical with me. That’s the first

And last time I’ll let that happen, I swear.

He hurt me here, there, oh, everywhere …

And yet in bed he was so fresh, so fine,

Gave head with such skill, the man took his time,

So even when I was aching from old

Bruises, I could turn his base love to gold.

Can it be I loved him more than the rest

Because he always gave me so much less?

The thing with girls – I’m gonna generalize –

Cos I’ve noticed it, and I sympathize:

PUBLICAN POLLY

What we can’t get easy? That’s what we crave.

We get obsessed, we stalk, we don’t behave …

ZAIRE

Tell us no, we’re all over it, we’re set:

But come on strong? We lose interest, all bets

Are off. Play hard to get, and we’ll chase you,

But act too keen? Then I’m just not that into

You. Masochism, some say, but isn’t it

Also just how things work in a market?

Love is capital: this, smart women know.

ALVITA