But tell me: how can I help you and yours?

COLIN

Um … well, this is Soph, we just got engaged …

And a lot of what you said tonight made

Me feel a bit anxious, if I’m honest.

ALVITA

Is it. Go on … I don’t bite, I promise.

COLIN

Like, are you saying that if I marry

She owns me? I find that a bit scary –

Like, in my view, that’s taking things a bit

Too far, like: sexism – but reversing it?

ALVITA

I see, Colin. Thing is, though, my story’s

Not even started yet? So don’t worry:

Try not to wag the tail before the dog.

This bit’s just the – whadyacallit – Prologue.

I’m about to drop knowledge on you,

Colin, and on your lovely girlfriend, too.

Because I’ve been there, Colin; this ain’t my

First rodeo. And I’m using my time,

My precious time, to help needy men

Like you, not to make total fools of them

Selves in marriage. That is my mission.

Best thing you can do? Sit up and listen.

COLIN

Yes, ma’am – I mean, Miss – I mean, Mrs – Miz?

Of course, I know you know your business,

Wife of Willesden – I shouldn’t interrupt.

You know what? I’ll own my privilege – and shut up.

ALVITA

Young men: if you think you can stand to hear

Some truth I’ll tell it. But if you start to fear

I’m running my mouth, talking wild and rough,

Or I’ve said too much, please don’t take the huff –

Or get offended; don’t be that guy …

I might take the piss – but I’ll tell no lies.

So let’s get down to it: those men I’ve had?

Three of them were good and two were bad.

We see the FIVE MEN identified as she mentions them, but again, that RYAN is one of them remains unclear.

ALVITA

The three good ones were – bad news for Colin –

Older. They’d already found their place in

This world. But they had their work cut out

In the bedroom, because I’m all about

Pleasure, and they couldn’t always keep

Up with my desire. They needed their sleep.

To be honest, it didn’t bother me.

They made up for it in maturity.

With these young’uns you need a magic potion

To get their love, respect and devotion.

Back when I was young I worked way too hard

For approval; I’d put all my damn cards

On the table. Now I have no need. Since

I hold them in my hand. I can rinse

Out their bank accounts, move into their

Flats – they’d give me all, if I asked. But where

And when and why should I be asking

For love? The sun is out: I am basking

In affection. Meanwhile they have work

To do up in the bedroom. Learn to twerk,

For example: that’s a useful skill in