Here we might see a number of older men in the PUB CHORUS trying to master this task.

A man. That’s something really worth learning!

But the older dogs are less

Inclined to learn; they want to get their rest.

Fine. But I still ruled them with a firm hand.

I cussed them daily, and they’d understand,

And be grateful, so relieved, when I turned

Nice. And that’s one key thing I have learned

About marriage. You’ve got to treat them mean

To keep them loving and humble and keen.

Let me break it down: when a husband

Shows his cards; you’ve got to hide your hand.

Before he gets on your case, get on his.

I’d be like: first thing, handle your business.

What were you doing at that girl’s place?

Are you really going to say to my face:

HUSBAND DARREN

I went to check my cousin – he’s crashing there.

Didn’t really notice … what’s her name? Claire?

ALVITA

Bruv, I’ve seen her: fake nails, fake boobs, fake hair –

You’re gonna do me like that? Is that fair?

And then meanwhile, if I’m just jamming

With a male friend, you’re sure we’re banging,

You lose your mind, cuss me up and down …

Double standard! But that’s what I’ve found

About husbands. They chat too much breeze

About women. Got way too many theories.

I’ve heard them all.

HUSBAND WINSTON

Don’t trust a gold digger;

They’ve got plans for you. Dem fine figures

Are a trap, yuh know? Dey ah go reel you in.

You’ll pay in cash; it’s the wages of sin.

Not love they want, man, it’s alimony.

ALVITA

And then there’s:

HUSBAND IAN

Avoid the ones with money:

They’ll emasculate you. When a man

Earns less than his wife you’ll find he can’t

Respect himself. That’s not just my view,

That’s in evolutionary science, too.

ALVITA

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if she’s very pretty

God help her.

HUSBAND DARREN

Must be doing you dirty,

Because no one that fit could be faithful—

ALVITA

According to you. For some men it’s awful

If a woman is rich or hot or fine

Or smart or talented or sweet or kind –

Cos that means someone else might want us.

And everything you once loved about us

Becomes the problem. If we still attract

Attention, then:

HUSBAND ELRIDGE

You ask for it. The fact

Is, it’s your fault.

ALVITA

If we no longer do,

That’s worse. We might go grind on a fool

’Pon the dance floor just for attention.

The pub becomes a nightclub and we see ALVITA joyfully dancing with a number of her HUSBANDS and others.

And then slyly, casually, he mentions

That he can’t remember why he chose

This. He could be playing Tinder. Who knows