Pastor, it’s right there in the book! Let’s read

It:

PASTOR JEGEDE

‘Man owes a debt to his wife.’

ALVITA

In bed!

That is literally what the man said!

And to pay that sexual debt in full,

You usually need your own genitals.

Look: my point is, we’re given these things

For more than childbirth and urinating!

ZAIRE, Alvita’s best friend, raises her hand.

ZAIRE

But just cos you have working genitals

We don’t have to go down the kid road? All

Of us don’t need babies. It’s cool if your

Road is kids. But that’s not all these are for.

ALVITA

(My bestie, Zaire.) And then there’s Jesus:

So pure and holy he’s just not that fussed

Re sex. And I’ve got nothing against pure,

Holier-than-thou people. I think you’re

All great. But there’s a lot of different kinds

Of women in this world. Some like red wine

Thirty quid a pop. You know who you are!

I’ll take a shot of Baileys at the bar.

I’m that kind of girl. Not fancy but fun,

Like Baileys. Sweet. And I get the job done.

My thing is, to be honest, I’m just real.

I do and say exactly what I feel.

I’m not fussy, but I stick to my guns

And in my marriage I’ll use this for fun.

If it’s God’s gift, I best use it that way!

Cos if I waste it, what’s God gonna say?

Now, husbands: I was and am here for you:

Tonight, tomorrow. But you need to do

Something for me first. I demand pleasure.

That is your debt to me. It’s not pressure,

Exactly, it’s about consent. You’ll agree

To owe me love, good sex, and that when we

Marry, your body and soul will be mine

As long as we’re a thing. From that time

Till we’re done, your body is my playground,

It’s for me, not for you. I’ve just found

That really works for me? In fact, St Paul’s

The one gave me the idea. Cos he’s all

About

ST PAUL

‘You husbands! Love your women well, day in

Day out!’

ALVITA

Thank you! That’s all I’ve been saying!

There is applause from the tables, but some consternation, too, especially from some of the men.

Any questions? Comments? So far, so clear?

Yes, you: don’t be shy. Loud – so I can hear.

COLIN, a nervous young man in a charity chugger outfit, stands up. His fiancée, SOPHIE, sits beside him.

COLIN

Hello … well, my name’s Colin … I work for—

ALVITA

You hassle fools in the street for cash – sure –

COLIN

Well, actually I raise money to fight—

ALVITA

You get their sort codes. Make them feel all right

About themselves. Mug them for a good cause.