Said, by the apostle, that purity

Is best.

ALVITA

Yeah, but he was chatting about

Himself! St Paul be like:

ST PAUL/HUSBAND IAN

I won’t go out

With you. I will not come back to your place.

I won’t submit to your sinful embrace.

We’re not ‘getting it on’ on your sofa.

ALVITA

A holy man plus a supernova

Like me? You put us together? There will

Be fireworks, you get me? There just will.

But their church says:

AUNTIE P

Best to sleep with no one!

ALVITA

Wait – check it:

PASTOR JEGEDE

But if you marry someone –

And this is true for our women and our men –

It is best never to have sex with them.

ALVITA

Jokers. Fools. But it don’t even touch me.

I don’t mess with churchmen or my family.

My thing is: you want to think you’re a saint?

Fine. But don’t slut-shame me because I ain’t

About that. It’s not like I’m pretending

To be picture perfect. Or curating

My life for others. Despite what you see

Online, we’re not all on yachts in Bali.

Some of us are on the ninety-eight bus

Which comes on time, and that’s enough for us …

Auntie, I think God loves variety,

That’s my belief. Cos if he did make me

He set my soul on its own strange path. Plus

Maybe he gives out sex like Santa Claus:

The nice get no sex drives; the nasty … more.

Maybe it just depends. Maybe if you’re

Asexual or abstain he’s into that …

That’d make sense cos his son was like that –

But you make everything so literal!

You really reckon Jesus meant to tell

Us all to be as broke as him? Nah. He’s

Just saying:

BLACK JESUS

You can be brassic like me

If you think you can handle it, but ’low

It for everybody else.

ALVITA

For real, now,

Them rules are for the girl who feels that she’s

Perfect. And that blatantly isn’t me.

As you see, I’m in the prime of my life

And right now I’m into being a wife.

My kind of wife. Cos, tell me, Auntie P.

This equipment between our legs which we

Carry: why d’we have them in the first place?

Or you reckon it’s some kind of mistake?

AUNTIE P

Wat a way yuh like fi argue me down!

But I believe our … private parts … they around

Fi two purpose. Fi pass the urine. And

Know who ah woman and who ah man.

ALVITA

Auntie’s a comedian. But she knows

Well from experience how these things go.

It’s crazy to me that Pastor gets mad

When I talk about women’s pleasure and

The idea that if there is a God he

Can’t hate on his own gift, which he must see

Is not just for making babies or … wee.