Tiamoko pushed his hair back off his forehead and his massive shoulders rose and fell in a sigh. He was too young for the hardness in his eyes. ‘I cried. Sobbed like a little one the first time they get pierced.’ He touched the bamboo stud in his lower lip. ‘On my knees in the blood. Sobbing because I’d killed someone. Because I’d lived, maybe, I don’t know. Just … cried, for hours.’

Xessa stared at them in turn. Lutek, sarcastic and fast and deadly, like a viper. Unafraid of anything. Tiamoko, the patient intensity of the jaguar, but always quick to laugh.

‘So what we’re saying is, if you want to puke, or piss yourself, or cry, just go ahead and do it,’ Lutek said. ‘We all have, that and more. You’ve taken human life. How different that is to killing a Drowned none of us can know, but we do know it’s not easy. Even for us, it’s not easy. So do what you need to do, but then get some rest. And be ready again at dawn.’

Xessa swallowed hard, unable to sign her fingers were wound so tightly together. Lutek gave her a wink and Tiamoko ruffled her hair. ‘Love you, eja,’ he said, to her surprise. ‘If you ever want to tell me about it, or about how you’re feeling or anything like that, you can.’ He patted Ossa gently and stepped back.

‘It’s hard,’ he signed when she looked up. ‘Really hard. And I hope it stays hard for you. That way you won’t learn that actually, as time passes, it gets easier. Because it shouldn’t. Killing should never be easy and we should suffer for it. It should haunt us. Only these days …’ He trailed off, rubbing his palms over his upper arms. ‘Never mind,’ he said and turned away before she could respond.

Frowning, Xessa watched others shambling past towards their own homes. Heads down, subdued, exhausted. Some stared without blinking, or performed repetitive, automatic actions. But there were one or two, like Tiamoko, who shook it off even as she watched. Dismissed what had happened, what they’d done. Those were the true killers, she thought, the ones so scarred they didn’t even see the marks any more.

That’s what Tiamoko is, despite his youth. That’s what they’ve made him.

She shivered and pressed her face to Ossa’s head again, hoping Toxte would get back soon. She’d already checked on Otek and made sure he’d eaten and had enough water. Now she wanted her husband.

I don’t ever want to be like that, she thought suddenly. I don’t want to have killed so many that it means nothing. I don’t want to be dead behind the eyes or in the heart.