“It’s pretty cold out there...” I said.

He smiled. “Come on...” He pulled me close to him and my boobs squished against his chest. He wanted to go outside to be private, I realized. To have sex. He wanted to have sex with me.

He wanted to have sex with me.

My article Rolodex started spinning on overdrive: Ten Moves to a Guaranteed Orgasm—Blow Jobs for Dummies—Positions to Make Him—Condoms 101—

“Do you have a, um...” I started to ask then stopped myself.

Everything I’d ever learned about sex cascaded into my brain until it felt like it could explode. Condoms were bad. Sex is for procreation and condoms prevent procreation. But condoms are good. Sex is for pleasure and condoms prevent unwanted procreation. Blow jobs are bad. Sex is for procreation and blow jobs have nothing to do with procreation. But blow jobs are good. Sex is for pleasure and foreplay is important. Sex is bad. Sex before marriage is bad. Sex with someone you don’t love is bad. But sex is good. Sex is so mouthwateringly good.

He took my hand and I followed him outside, unable to process all my learned contradictions. Everything I’d read belied everything I’d been taught. The only thing I knew for certain was that since I arrived at Covenant, everything I’d been told was a grave sin—something for which I’d never be forgiven—seemed small and unimportant. I’d been doing some of these things for months and I was still alive. We all were. So what was the big deal?

I was drunk, but I was sober enough to say yes. I was sober enough to take his pants off. I was sober enough to put his penis in my mouth and then take my pants off and then lean against the outside of the barn while he put it inside me. I was sober enough to know it felt bad and then it felt good.

As I pulsed back and forth, our bodies moving in tandem as he moaned and repeated “you’re so hot, this is so hot,” I became quickly uninterested and, frankly, found the whole thing boring. He was touching my boobs under my shirt, and I was looking at his face, contorted with each pulse until finally he moaned so loud, I was afraid someone was going to hear us, and he fell on top of me.

“Holy shit,” he said, out of breath. “That was amazing.”

“Yeah,” I agreed, panicking for a moment that I’d been so bored I’d forgotten to fake an orgasm like Cosmo had told me to. But my panic was relieved when I realized he didn’t even notice.

“Was that good? For you?” he asked.

I nodded and kissed him, more out of obligation than desire. “So good,” I said, playing it off though I probably didn’t need to. He wasn’t thinking about me anymore.