The shorter boy pulled some red cups out of a stack and held them under the cooler’s spout. He handed one to me as he began to fill another and when I looked inside, I was disgusted by a fluorescent pink liquid. I watched as everyone else received their glasses and no one questioned why our drinks looked radioactive, so I didn’t either. If everyone was drinking it, it wouldn’t kill us all, right?

Ruthie sidled up to me, holding her cup to mine. “This is going to be the best night of our lives,” she said. “Cheers.”

I didn’t think. I just drank. I knew that if I let myself truly taste—or even smell—whatever shit was in this cup, I’d vomit, so I put it to my lips, opened my throat, and didn’t take another breath until I banged the cup against the side of the barn, empty, (thirty points), and Ruthie flashed her camera in my distorted face.

“Well fuck me,” Timothy said, staring at me and the cup in disbelief.

It was worse than any sips of moonshine I’d ever stolen from my father’s stash. But I was done. And I was going to get drunk.

As my eyes moved around the room, I realized how fake the entire thing seemed. The barn was barren and seemed like the only purpose it served was for parties like these. The room was filled with normal teenagers—kids who weren’t waiting until marriage, or taking creationism classes, or taught that drinking and drugs and touching a boy will send you straight to hell.

I took Ruthie’s arm. “Let’s dance!” I said, pulling her onto the dance floor, which was really a clearing of hay in the center of the room. We dropped our empty cups somewhere along the way so we could swing our arms in the air and move to a song I’d never heard before.

Maybe the alcohol was hitting me, or maybe this was God’s radioactivity beginning to strike me down, but it felt like Ruthie and I were the only ones in the barn. I could barely hear the music anymore. I couldn’t see or feel anyone around us. It was only her.

Flash.

Her brown hair, in salty untamed waves, flung around her head in every direction like a lion’s mane. Her eyes were a stunning purplish blue. Like the sky during magic hour. Captivating and calming all at once. When she closed them to hear the music, her smile got so big she looked like she’d never been happier. Like this truly was the best moment of her life.

This is how I try to remember her. This is the Ruthie I wish I could have known forever.

“I love you!” Ruthie yelled, not to me, or to anyone really. Into the ether. Into the night. Into the song.