‘Sorry, Mand.’ Steve lumbered into the kitchen in his pyjamas, barely awake. ‘I thought I heard you talking to someone. Were you on the phone?’

‘It’s nearly midnight, Steve. You must have been dreaming.’

‘I’m sure I heard you say something. Bloody nerve, I thought you said.’

‘I didn’t say that. You were dreaming.’ Mandy twisted the watch on her wrist, tried to stop it pinching. She didn’t know why she’d lied to him. She could have told him she’d called Louisa. They could have talked it over, sat down and laughed about it, like the old days. Why had she flat out denied it?

‘What are you doing up?’ Steve asked.

‘Couldn’t sleep. Too hot.’

Steve yawned into his hands. ‘I’m not right in myself, Mandy. Turning things over.’ He passed his hand through his hair, making it stand on end, and stared into the dark room. ‘I’ve decided I’m going to go and remove that kiddie up in Ivanhoe. I’ll go today.’

He looked sad, she thought, and older than his years. ‘You sure? I thought you’d decided you couldn’t do it.’

‘I know. But it doesn’t sit right with me that I haven’t seen it through. Don’t want Ray thinking I’ve shirked on a duty.’

She stood next to him and smoothed his hair. ‘You’ve always been a proud man. You want to be able to hold your head up.’

‘That’s it.’

‘We should’ve talked about all this a long time ago. I should’ve tried harder to understand.’

He rubbed his nose with the palm of his hand. ‘I started to dread coming home to you. I couldn’t stand the way you looked at me when I was in a bad way.’

‘I’m sorry.’ She leaned into him. ‘You should’ve said something sooner.’

‘I want us to be honest from now on. All right? It’s the only way, Mand.’

She reached for his hand. She knew he was right. She’d got in the habit of holding him at bay. ‘There is something. Maybe I haven’t been straight with you about it.’

‘Go on, darl.’ He blinked.

‘I don’t want to get pregnant, Steve.’ The words were out before she could think it over. She almost laughed with the relief of it.

‘You don’t—?’

She shook her head.

‘I thought you were coming round to the idea.’

‘I’m sorry, love. It’s not what I want.’ His hand was heavy in hers. ‘I can’t pretend any more.’

He didn’t speak for a long time. The second hand on her watch moved briskly around the dial and the relief died back in her.

Steve dropped her hand and sat down at the table. ‘You were starting to come round to it,’ he said. ‘Weren’t you?’

‘I did try, Steve. But the more I tried, the more I knew I didn’t want it.’

‘You don’t think you’ll change your mind?’

‘No. I’m sorry.’

‘That’s a blow, Mandy.’ He stared down at his feet. ‘I’ve been wanting a child a long time. It’s what I want more than anything.’