I signed, DON’T KNOW, about ten times because I didn’t know.

I didn’t have an interpreter, we’d been at the hospital over an hour now, and I still had no idea what was going on with Connor. If he was even . . .

Beau took me by the hand and steered me over to the check-in station, slapping his free hand down on the counter to get Kelsey’s attention from where she sat behind her computer. Had he picked up that habit from me?

I saw Kelsey say, “Who . . . you?” to Beau and he did one spectacular job of signing and using his voice together when he signed, I SIGN FOR HER. WHAT HAPPENED WITH HER BROTHER?

Beau conveniently did not mention he wasn’t a certified interpreter, just that he was here to sign for me.

Kelsey sized Beau up, looking as if she were about to object, but the next thing out of my mouth was a sigh of relief when she very clearly said, “Okay.”

SEE HIM NOW? I signed to Beau, because that was the one thing that hadn’t left my thoughts in the last hour.

I needed to see my little brother.

Beau relayed my question to Kelsey, and she did some tapping around on her computer before she shook her head. I felt myself deflate even more.

WHY? I signed, swallowing back a sob. WHY?

I didn’t need Beau there to interpret when Kelsey said, “They need to stabilize . . . first.”

I couldn’t take any more. I walked back to the chairs in the waiting room and threw myself down in my seat, crumpling forward and dropping my head into my hands. My entire body was throbbing with the unfamiliar ache of heartbreak, both mental and physical. One thought zipping through my mind like lightning: If I were hearing, could I have gone with Connor?

It was a stupid thought, I knew it. But I couldn’t get rid of it.

This had to be the first time I think I hated the fact I was Deaf. I just wanted to know what was going on without a stupid interpreter here. I just wanted to be with my little brother. And I hated this feeling of complete and total helplessness.

I forced myself to look up at the soft touch to my arm. Beau had sat down beside me, reaching out to me, and I simultaneously wanted to shove him away and pull him in close.

YOU OK? Beau signed.

I suddenly had an urge to apologize to him. Beau didn’t sign up for this. It was a lot to ask of him—maybe too much—but the fact he was here, right beside me, his hand outstretched as if for me to take it, had to mean something. Didn’t it?

NO, I signed to him honestly. NOT OK.

SORRY, Beau signed back. HARD FOR YOU, I KNOW.