Chapters (28)
- Cover
- LAB JOURNAL
- Title Page
- Dedication
- 1. Manny Bullpucky Gets His Sorry Butt Hurled Off the Marine Park Bridge
- 2. The Weird and Mostly Tragic History of the Schwa, Which Is Entirely True If You Trust My Sources
- 3. Quantizing the Schwa Effect Using the Scientific Method, and All That Garbage
- 4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense
- 5. Which Is Worse: Getting Mauled by a Pack of Dogs, or Getting Your Brains Bashed Out by a Steel Poker?
- 6. As If I Didn’t Already Have Enough Annoying Things to Do Every Day, Now I Gotta Do This
- 7. The Lowest-Paid Male Escort on the Entire Eastern Seaboard, Except for Maybe the Bronx
- 8. Are Those Your Fingers in My Mouth, or Are You Just Happy to Not See Me?
- 9. Maybe They Had It Right in France Because Getting My Head Lopped Off by a Guillotine Would Have Been Easier
- 10. Earthquakes, Nuclear Winter, and the End of Life as We Know It, over Linguini
- 11. The Youngest Doctor in Sheepshead Bay Gets Held Hostage When He Least Expects It
- 12. A Horror Movie Blow-by-Blow, with the Undisputed Queen of the 3-B Club
- 13. A Russian Train, a Pulsing Vein, and My Mother’s Bag of Snails
- 14. More Than I Ever Wanted to Know About the Schwa’s Childhood
- 15. Vortex in Aisle Three—Can Someone Please Clean Up the Ectoplasmic Slime?
- 16. A Late-Night Trip to the Land of Beef That Could Turn a Person into a Vegetarian
- 17. A Traumatic Experience I’ll Live to Regret, Assuming I Live
- 18. Larger Than Life, in Your Face, Undeniable Schwa
- 19. The Schwa Gets Radiation Therapy in a Room That Doesn’t Smell Too Good No Matter How Much It’s Disinfected
- 20. The Weird Things Kids Do Don’t Even Come Close to the Weird Things Parents Do
- 21. Why I Started Vandalizing Brooklyn
- 22. My Anonymous Contribution to Popular Culture and to My Parents’ Phone Bill
- DISCUSSION QUESTIONS
- Special Excerpt from SHIP OUT OF LUCK
The Schwa hadn’t really meant it as an invitation, but I took it as one. I was curious. I had to know just what kind of home environment could turn out an invisible-ish kid. That, and I wanted to know more about his mysteriously missing mother, but I didn’t dare tell him that. I figured his reluctance to talk about his home life must have been because he was embarrassed about it—like maybe he lived in a broken-down shack, or something.
The Schwa lived at the edge of our neighborhood, on a street I never had been on before. When I arrived there, I have to say I was disappointed by what I saw. It was a row of small two-story homes, packed in tight, with driveways in between. His house wasn’t invisible. It wasn’t even unnoticeable. In fact, it stood out. All the other homes on the street had fake plastic siding. You know the stuff—plastic that’s supposed to look like aluminum that’s supposed to look like wood. While the rest of the homes were white, eggshell, or light blue, the Schwa’s house was canary yellow. I had to double-check the address to make sure I had the right place. The front yard was well cared for. There was even a little bubbling rock fountain in the corner that appeared to actually be made of rock and not Pisher Plastic. It was exemplary, to borrow a word I missed on my last vocabulary test: the perfect example of what a front yard should be.
There was a doormat that said: IF YOU LIVED HERE, YOU’D BE HOME RIGHT NOW, AND I’D HAVE NO MORTGAGE. I could hear music playing somewhere inside. Guitar. I rang the bell, and in a moment the door opened and no one appeared to be standing there.
“Hi, Schwa.”
“Hi, Antsy.” The shadows fell just the right way to camouflage him against the rest of the room. I blinked a few times, and he came into focus. He didn’t sound particularly pleased that I was there. It was more like he was resigned to the fact. He showed me in and introduced me to his father.
They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, but looking at the Schwa and his father, I would say the apple rolled clear into an orange grove. The man was about as un-Schwa-like as could be. He wore white overalls with paint stains all over them—the Schwa had said he was a housepainter. Right now he wasn’t painting, he was sitting in the living room playing a twelve-string guitar—I mean really playing, not just strumming. He had a ponytail with a few strands of gray, the same color as his guitar strings.
Not only was he visible, but he actually stood out.