Results: The Schwa stood in line at the security checkpoint, but the guy who was checking IDs and airplane tickets skipped right past him. The Schwa gave us the A-okay sign. Then he walked through the metal detector, and it buzzed. Security then noticed him. They made him raise his arms, passing a wand all over him until finding the iron bar. They called more security over and two national guardsmen dressed in camouflage. They asked where his parents were and wanted to see his ticket. That’s when the rest of us came forward to explain that it was just an experiment and not to get all bent out of shape. The national guardsmen and security officers weren’t happy. They called our parents. They were not happy either. This ends our experimentation on the Schwa Effect.

Conclusion:

1. The Schwa is unnoticed by your generic security guard unless he’s tipped off to his presence by advanced technology like a metal detector.

2. Iron bars in the Schwa’s pocket are still iron bars.

4. Making Big Bucks off of Stealth Economics, Because Maybe I Got Some Business Sense

Once we decided to turn the Schwa Effect into a money-making proposition, it wasn’t hard to get the ball rolling. When we had presented our series of Schwa experiments to the class, most everyone laughed, figuring it was a joke—but enough of our classmates had been part of the experiments to suspect there was something more to it. You know, it’s like that TV show where the psychic dude talked to your dead relatives—all of whom seem to be just hanging around, watching everything you do . . . which is really disturbing when you stop to think about it. You don’t really believe it, but there’s enough borderline credibility to make you wonder.

That’s how it was with the Schwa. It was too much for most kids to really believe the Schwa Effect, but people were curious—and curiosity was a key element of Stealth Economics. Mary Ellen MacCaw was the first to offer hard cash.

“I wanna see the Schwa do something,” she said to me in the hall after school. Most everyone else had left, so we were pretty much alone.

“Do what?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Something.”

“The Schwa doesn’t do things for free.”

Mary Ellen reached into her pocket, jangled around in there for a while, and came up with four quarters. She handed them to me.

“For a dollar, the Schwa will appear out of thin air.”

“Where?” said Mary Ellen. “When?”

“Here and now,” said the Schwa.

And she jumped. I’ve never seen anyone jump like that except while watching a horror movie—because the Schwa had been standing right next to her all along.

She bumped into a locker and the sound echoed down the hallway. “How do you do that?!” she asked the Schwa.

“Guess you could call it a ‘hidden’ talent.”