And while Mr. Reliable went about his business repossessing Ashley’s Jaguar, I led her upstairs to her bedroom, barren except for a table lamp and mattress on the floor. I settled her in bed with a cold washcloth on her forehead and then made my way downstairs, just in time to see the silver Jag being towed away.

For the first time I noticed her vanity license plate: RICH B*TCH.

Not anymore, I thought. Not any more.

It wasn’t until I was halfway home that I realized the implications of what I’d just seen.

Ashley was in desperate need of money. Maybe she’d known that Marybeth was going to leave her money in her will and just assumed it was a bundle. Maybe she was getting tired of drinking rotgut booze and working nights in a telemarketing boiler room.

And maybe—fueled by anger, jealousy and way too much gin—she decided to go after her inheritance with the help of a little peanut oil.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

TAMPA TRIBUNE

TAMPA VISTAS RESIDENT RUNS NAKED THROUGH STREETS OF RETIREMENT COMMUNITY

Tampa Vistas resident Hank Austen was apprehended last night running through the streets of Tampa Vistas stark naked, a large rottweiler nipping at his heels.

Witnesses said the dog belonged to the Reverend James Sternmuller, whose home Austen was seen breaking into earlier in the evening.

Mr. Austen was incarcerated for several hours before being released into his wife’s custody.

Reverend Sternmuller has agreed not to press charges.

“The poor fellow needs counseling,” he said. “Preferably in a locked facility.”

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Your Daddy, The Ex-Con

Hi, darling—

I’ve been too miserable to write before now, but I suppose you’ve got to be told: Your Daddy is an ex-con!

It’s true. He was arrested the other night and locked behind bars for three whole hours. And I had to go down to the jail to bail him out. Frankly, I was so disgusted with him, I almost left him there.

You’re not going to believe this, but your father broke into Reverend Sternmuller’s house to look for Hugo Boss ties!

He broke the window on his back door and busted in while Reverend Sternmuller was at the clubhouse playing bingo. Then he snuck upstairs to his bedroom and searched all his drawers and his closet. Naturally, there were no Hugo Boss ties. In fact, when he looked in the closet, he actually found a carton of Bibles! Not to mention a picture of Reverend Sternmuller with Billy Graham. So much for being a killer!

And then, while Daddy was snooping around, he noticed that Reverend Sternmuller had a Jacuzzi bathtub. Daddy’s been wanting one of those forever. So, not content with merely breaking and entering, Daddy decided to take a bath in Reverend Sternmuller’s tub!