What I didn’t know at the time was that when it came to troubles looming ahead, Prozac’s diet was just the tip of the iceberg.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Completely Bananas!

All I can say is—it’s a good thing I ordered those Stress-Less pills. I’ve been gobbling them like Tic Tacs.

Your father has gone completely bananas. Yesterday during a shuffleboard game at the clubhouse, he actually plucked a hair from Reverend Sternmuller’s head! He pretended he saw a bee on his hair and was swiping it away, but he later told me he pulled the hair on purpose to get a DNA sample. He sent it off to the FBI this morning.

And if that wasn’t enough, today we were having lunch at Mimi’s, a charming little restaurant in town, and who should be there but Reverend Sternmuller, having lunch with Greta Gustafson, who’s been shamelessly throwing herself at the poor man. I swear, Greta has cooked more dinners in the past week than Swanson’s.

Anyhow, the minute they left the restaurant, Daddy raced over to their table and took Reverend Sternmuller’s fork!

“What on earth are you doing with that fork?” I asked him when he came back with the darn thing wrapped in a napkin.

“I’m going to send it to the FBI to check for fingerprints.”

Then he put it in his pocket, along with several dinner rolls. It’s bad enough that he insists on taking souvenir rolls from every restaurant in Florida, but to take a fork, too—well, I just about died.

And that was just the beginning. After we finished our lunch—your father insisted on ordering the bacon cheeseburger when Dr. May has told him a million times to watch his cholesterol—we were heading out the door when the manager stopped Daddy and accused him of stealing the fork. Which, technically, I suppose he was.

He and Daddy got into a big fight, and the next thing you know Kevin (that was the manager’s name) wouldn’t let us leave the restaurant until Daddy paid him ten dollars for the fork. By now, the whole restaurant was staring at us, and Daddy threatened to report Kevin to America’s Most Wanted, but Kevin just laughed, and I was so humiliated I gave him the ten dollars and dragged Daddy outside without even getting one of their chocolate mints, which I really love.

Anyhow, I’m so mad, I could just spit.

Mom

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Hi, honeybunch—

I’m making lots of progress on the Hugo Boss case. Plus, I had a terrific cheeseburger for lunch today.

Your loving,

Daddy

Chapter 7

At 7 A.M. the next morning I was in the supermarket buying diet cat food. At 7:30 Prozac was waving her tush in the air as she walked away from it.