Subject: The Nose Knows

Hi, Lambchop—

Has Mom told you the big news? We’ve got a mass murderer in Tampa Vistas, some guy passing himself off as a retired minister. But I recognized him the minute I saw him. He’s the Hugo Boss Strangler. Kills all his victims with a designer tie.

Your mom thinks I’m crazy, but I know what I saw, and I saw “Reverend Sternmuller” on America’s Most Wanted. Besides, I’ve got a nose for these things. I can smell a bad guy a mile off.

Your mom thinks that just because he doesn’t wear Hugo Boss ties, he’s not the Hugo Boss Strangler. Well, of course he wouldn’t wear the ties in public. He’s probably got them hidden somewhere in his townhouse.

Trust me, sweet pea. The Nose knows!

Your loving,

Daddy

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: P.S.

P.S. I’ve been so upset with Daddy, I ordered a 360-day supply of Stress-Less vitamin pills from the Shopping Channel, only $36.99 plus shipping and handling. And while I was at it, I picked up the most adorable Calvin Kleinman capri pants set. With little martinis all over it. It’s perfect for L.A. Should I order one for you, too?

Love and kisses,

Mom

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Thanks, Mom, but I think I’ll pass on the Calvin Kleinman. When it comes to martinis, I prefer mine in a glass.

And try not to worry about Daddy. This Reverend Sternmuller thing is probably just another Whim du Jour. I bet he’s already forgotten all about it.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

I just called America’s Most Wanted and tipped them off to the Reverend, but who knows how long it will take for them to do anything?

In the meanwhile, he could strike again right here in Tampa Vistas. So I guess it’s up to your old Daddy to stop him!

Wish me luck, honey. “The Nose” won’t rest until he’s brought the Hugo Boss Strangler to justice!

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Subject: Stress-Less Pills

Dear Mom,

On second thought, better have those Stress-Less pills shipped overnight.

Chapter 3

I drove over to Pam Kenton’s apartment the next night, my mind still reeling from my parents’ e-mails.

Can you believe Daddy, and his insane conviction that his new neighbor was one of “America’s Most Wanted”? I shouldn’t have been surprised. Daddy’s imagination has always been in overdrive. This is a man who insists he once saw Mother Teresa buying thong underwear at Victoria’s Secret.

There’d be trouble ahead, no doubt about it. My father attracts trouble like white cashmere attracts wine stains. I just thanked my lucky stars I was 3,000 miles out of his orbit.