When police raided Stakowski’s townhouse in the Tampa Vistas retirement community, where he’d been passing himself off as “The Reverend James Sternmuller,” they found a stash of heroin, hidden in hollowed-out Bibles in his bedroom closet. Police also found a check for $50,000 from Mrs. Greta Gustafson, who was under the erroneous impression that Stakowski was going to marry her. In addition to drug running, Stakowski has had a long history of bilking elderly women out of their life savings.

Authorities were tipped off to the presence of Stakowski/Sternmuller by the vigilant efforts of Tampa Vistas resident Hank Austen, who sent fingerprint and DNA samples of the criminal to the FBI.

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: Can You Believe It?

Can you believe it? It looks like Daddy was right about Reverend Sternmuller—I mean, Jimmy “The Rat” Stakowski—after all. True, he didn’t kill anybody. But he is a criminal. Imagine. Hiding heroin in his Bibles. Good heavens! When I think of all the casseroles Greta Gustafson cooked for that awful man!

Needless to say, ever since the news broke, Daddy has been lording it over me, reminding me that he was right, and I was wrong. He’s so darn puffed up and full of himself. There’ll be no living with him now!

I’m just counting the minutes until things settle back down and return to normal.

Your frazzled,

Mom

P.S. That picture Daddy saw of “Billy Graham” wasn’t Billy Graham, but Jimmy “The Rat’s” bookie.

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO

Subject: Guess Who I Saw?

Hi, honeybun—

Did you see the article from the Tribune? About how I practically single-handedly brought Jimmy “The Rat” Stakowski to justice? I knew that guy was fake the minute I saw him. Like I said all along, The Nose knows!

And speaking of The Nose, guess who I just saw at the supermarket, squeezing melons in the produce section? Elvis! True, his hair was dyed blond and he’d lost a ton of weight, but I’m sure it was him. Really. Elvis lives!

Gotta go now and alert the media!

To: Shoptillyoudrop

From: Jausten

Hi, Mom—

Better stock up on sherry.

Love and kisses,

Jaine

Chapter 23

The experts at Merriam-Webster are no doubt debating who should be next to “low-down sneaky scoundrel” in the dictionary: Prozac, or the “Reverend” James Sternmuller.

So Daddy was right to be suspicious of Sternmuller. Who would’ve dreamed he was really a drug-running con artist? Poor Mom. Daddy would be squawking I told you so for months to come. I shuddered to think of him on the hunt for Elvis in the produce section at Safeway.

As for Prozac, I managed to stay angry with her for all of ten minutes. Then she did her rubbing-against-the-ankles-big-green-eyes bit, and I melted like I usually do.