A fresh bolt of fear stabbed me in the gut.

It was probably Marty. He’d hacked poor Prozac to pieces and now he’d come back to get me!

“Can I help you, ma’am?”

A man’s voice came on the line.

“Someone’s at my front door,” I whispered, “and he’s going to kill me.”

“I don’t understand. I thought your cat was kidnapped.”

The knocking grew louder.

“Yes, she was. And now the man who took her has come back to murder me!”

Then suddenly I heard: “Jaine, open up. It’s me, Lance.”

Relief flooded my body.

“Hold on a minute,” I said to the operator, and hurried to the door. Indeed it was Lance. And there curled up in his arms was Prozac.

“Prozac!” I cried, grabbing her. “Where have you been?”

Lance handed her over.

“Colin and I were having dinner at that new sushi restaurant down the street, and we found her out back eating from their garbage dumpster.”

“What?”

I looked down at Prozac in disbelief. She looked back at me sleepily and yawned.

“Yeah, the chef said she’s been eating there all week.”

“Prozac, how could you? Pretending to be on a diet, acting all high and mighty and doing your Little Miss Willpower routine, and the whole time you were sneaking out through the bathroom window and stuffing your face with sushi.”

“Actually, she was eating the deep-fried tempura when we found her.”

Prozac licked her lips.

Yum.

“Why, you sneaky little—”

“I hate to break up this happy reunion,” Lance said, “but Colin’s waiting. And besides, shouldn’t you get back to your phone call?”

I followed his gaze to the phone receiver, which was still dangling off the hook.

Omigod! I’d forgotten all about my call.

At which point, we heard sirens wailing down the street. The 911 operator, taking me at my word that I was about to be murdered, had sent the cops.

Ten minutes later, my face scarlet from nonstop apologies, I slunk back into my apartment, bolted my bathroom window, and poured myself another glass of chardonnay. Then I turned to Prozac, who was stretched out on the living room sofa.

“Well, young lady, having cheated on your diet, scared me half to death and humiliated me in front of the police, what have you got to say for yourself?”

She rolled over and purred lazily.

Got any bacon bits?

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

TAMPA TRIBUNE

PHONY “REVEREND” BUSTED

Legendary drug runner Jimmy “The Rat” Stakowski was arrested by local authorities today for possession of narcotics and misappropriation of funds.