“Okay, be that way,” I shouted after her. “I’m not going to weaken. For your information, there are starving kitties in Asia who’d love to have Healthy Haddock Entrails for dinner!”

Usually Prozac snuggles up next to me when I watch TV in bed at night, belching fish fumes in my face. But that night she stayed alone and aloof on the living room sofa.

I figured eventually she’d wander in, but three hours later, there was still no sign of her. I turned out the light, but sleep wouldn’t come. I tried watching some mind-numbing infomercials, but they failed to make me even remotely drowsy. It looked like I was in for a sleepless night. I missed Prozac’s warm, furry body nuzzled under my neck. I tried cuddling with a pillow, but all I got were feathers up my nose. This would never do.

“Prozac, honey,” I called out. “Come to bed.”

Nothing.

I went out to where she was sleeping, like a displaced husband, on the living room sofa. I scooped her in my arms, but she wasn’t having any of it. In an instant, she was back down on the floor, glaring up at me.

“Prozac, come back to bed. Please. Mommy needs her sleep.”

You should have thought of that when you fed me that Haddock glop.

Then she jumped back up on the sofa and curled into an angry ball.

And so, with a weary sigh, I shuffled off to the kitchen, where I proceeded to fix her a bowl of fancy white albacore. With bacon bits on top.

She could always start her diet tomorrow.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

To: Jausten

From: Shoptillyoudrop

Subject: America’s Most Irritating

Jaine, honey—

Sit down for this one. You won’t believe what your father is up to now.

The absolutely nicest man has moved to Tampa Vistas, Jim Sternmuller, a retired minister from Minnesota. Just the sweetest, kindest man you could ever hope to meet, and a widower, to boot. All the single ladies have been tripping over themselves bringing casseroles to his townhouse.

But for some insane reason, your father is convinced that he’s seen Reverend Sternmuller on America’s Most Wanted! He says he’s the Hugo Boss Strangler, a madman who runs around strangling women with Hugo Boss ties. Have you ever heard of anything so ridiculous? For one thing, Reverend Sternmuller doesn’t even wear ties. Usually he wears tasteful jersey-knit sports shirts, the kind I’d love your father to wear, but Daddy says his raggedy old T-shirts are good enough for him.

And now Daddy is determined to “unmask” Reverend Sternmuller and bring him to justice!

Where your father gets these crazy ideas I’ll never know. There’s no way on earth that Reverend Sternmuller is one of America’s Most Wanted. Although your father is far and away America’s Most Irritating.

Your frazzled,

Mom

To: Jausten

From: DaddyO